Day 1, 3/28/2011
The night before Day 1 that was
coming, I was attending the wedding of an old friend of mine from my junior
years. During the wedding ceremony, I started to think about the past, a past
that happen only just last year but could not be forgotten, I realize that all
my friends have a stable and strong relationships in their life, everyone had
their own target in life and they are successful and satisfied with their
target. I suddenly realize that a few weeks ago, I had already plan the way of
life I want to be and how to aim for my target, but things seem differently
when I realize I stop down and think about it. I had missed her, but I could
not do anything, I had choose this road, this was the choice that I had done in
the past and slowly, I feel that I had done the wrong decision, but I always
give myself a reason that it was only for her own good. Slowly, I think deeper,
was that true? Or was I the one who say it because it actually was for my own
good only?? There are so many questions in my mind but I always seem to escape
from it and only giving the blame to others. I had promised her to be forever
and I had failed to do so….and I had break the promise again...I thought I
would forget her in time but it wasn’t..I had never forgotten anyone at all…Mistake
is reform again and again but I never change or try to fix the mistake. I had
never forget her but she had forgotten me, this was actually part of the story
line that I had come across, being a jerk and someone that I had never used to
be was a not an easy role to play on because you will feel the regret but you
knew that it had to be done. I escaped a lot from my mistakes and putting the
blame on others because I do not have the courage to face it. Love can
complicate in times, if only you knew how to fix it and do it by your heart, if
you love someone deeply, you would not want to hurt her but I had hurt her and
slowly I realize that I was doing the same actions that what my previous
relationships had done to me. I feel so bad and I should not have done it,
because if you repeat the same actions that had caused to you, she or he will
definitely repeat your same actions to the others. I think over some time, I
felt that my LOVE had become HATRED and I never knew that I would change into
that. Anyway, I realize that nowadays my temper had become worst each day,
because I had some things that I could not let down, I feel so frustrated but I
never tend to tell anyone, I always like keeping the problems to myself, I
never try to let go of it and just walk on. On 26/03/2011-27/03/2011 , I
realize that my junior school friends were not actually not that hard to
communicate as I used to think in the past, it was my own problem that I never
talk much to them, or just that I do not know how to communicate with them and
it was own communication problem. Then I slowly realize that some of them are
really meant to be really good friends because they won’t backstab you but they
would give you suggestion and tend to help you out if you are in trouble, but I
never put that trust in the past, slowly now, I let go of the past and put the
trust and it really work out because I had put wall between the communication.
Last night, I was so frustrated that I had sent a message to a friend and
scolded my friend. I didn’t why I had cared so much and but people had no wrong
at all because we are just normal friends. The time I am typing this blog, I
slowly felt wrong of my doings because I should not had sent that message, I
could just ignore it but there is always a small hole in my mind that kept me
thinks of it. I think I could just let it be because I do not deserve
forgiveness for this message.
coming, I was attending the wedding of an old friend of mine from my junior
years. During the wedding ceremony, I started to think about the past, a past
that happen only just last year but could not be forgotten, I realize that all
my friends have a stable and strong relationships in their life, everyone had
their own target in life and they are successful and satisfied with their
target. I suddenly realize that a few weeks ago, I had already plan the way of
life I want to be and how to aim for my target, but things seem differently
when I realize I stop down and think about it. I had missed her, but I could
not do anything, I had choose this road, this was the choice that I had done in
the past and slowly, I feel that I had done the wrong decision, but I always
give myself a reason that it was only for her own good. Slowly, I think deeper,
was that true? Or was I the one who say it because it actually was for my own
good only?? There are so many questions in my mind but I always seem to escape
from it and only giving the blame to others. I had promised her to be forever
and I had failed to do so….and I had break the promise again...I thought I
would forget her in time but it wasn’t..I had never forgotten anyone at all…Mistake
is reform again and again but I never change or try to fix the mistake. I had
never forget her but she had forgotten me, this was actually part of the story
line that I had come across, being a jerk and someone that I had never used to
be was a not an easy role to play on because you will feel the regret but you
knew that it had to be done. I escaped a lot from my mistakes and putting the
blame on others because I do not have the courage to face it. Love can
complicate in times, if only you knew how to fix it and do it by your heart, if
you love someone deeply, you would not want to hurt her but I had hurt her and
slowly I realize that I was doing the same actions that what my previous
relationships had done to me. I feel so bad and I should not have done it,
because if you repeat the same actions that had caused to you, she or he will
definitely repeat your same actions to the others. I think over some time, I
felt that my LOVE had become HATRED and I never knew that I would change into
that. Anyway, I realize that nowadays my temper had become worst each day,
because I had some things that I could not let down, I feel so frustrated but I
never tend to tell anyone, I always like keeping the problems to myself, I
never try to let go of it and just walk on. On 26/03/2011-27/03/2011 , I
realize that my junior school friends were not actually not that hard to
communicate as I used to think in the past, it was my own problem that I never
talk much to them, or just that I do not know how to communicate with them and
it was own communication problem. Then I slowly realize that some of them are
really meant to be really good friends because they won’t backstab you but they
would give you suggestion and tend to help you out if you are in trouble, but I
never put that trust in the past, slowly now, I let go of the past and put the
trust and it really work out because I had put wall between the communication.
Last night, I was so frustrated that I had sent a message to a friend and
scolded my friend. I didn’t why I had cared so much and but people had no wrong
at all because we are just normal friends. The time I am typing this blog, I
slowly felt wrong of my doings because I should not had sent that message, I
could just ignore it but there is always a small hole in my mind that kept me
thinks of it. I think I could just let it be because I do not deserve
forgiveness for this message.
Today, was the day that I was in
need to take tour and guide the tourist going to Melaka, a town full of my past
memories that had been started, and it wasn’t long at all. I had been to the
places that I used to be with her and I took a lot of pictures but every
picture was just scenery of a blank space that I used to appear together with
her in picture frame. I still remember the times that I had with her and the
places and each corner I was with her. We used to walk together and holding
hands together and I felt the warmth from her that she always control of my
eating habits and I was always making fun of her and telling her silly jokes, and
hearing her snoozing noise when she was sleeping around my shoulder and chest.
I still remember the time that I could not sleep well at night because of her
snoozing noise that the next morning, she went to toilet and I quickly ran into
the room and continue my sleep in the room because I was so tired that I could
not open my eyes and she waited me outside the room. She never came in because
the room was also occupied with other people but she had her full sleep but I
did not. After some time, I went to a place to eat Satay Celup, and I realize
that it was the same place I had been with her, and the same place I had sat
and her sitting next to me. I still remember the incident that happened. She
looked at me and say to me, “Don’t eat so much de…” but I told her “Okok..” but
I still continue to eat, because I like the food and I still remember the every
food she choose to eat and suddenly I had followed her and I realize that it
was tasty but everything came into a blank screen because I looked back up and saw
she wasn’t there anymore for me, because I had asked her to leave me and it had
happen in the end.
need to take tour and guide the tourist going to Melaka, a town full of my past
memories that had been started, and it wasn’t long at all. I had been to the
places that I used to be with her and I took a lot of pictures but every
picture was just scenery of a blank space that I used to appear together with
her in picture frame. I still remember the times that I had with her and the
places and each corner I was with her. We used to walk together and holding
hands together and I felt the warmth from her that she always control of my
eating habits and I was always making fun of her and telling her silly jokes, and
hearing her snoozing noise when she was sleeping around my shoulder and chest.
I still remember the time that I could not sleep well at night because of her
snoozing noise that the next morning, she went to toilet and I quickly ran into
the room and continue my sleep in the room because I was so tired that I could
not open my eyes and she waited me outside the room. She never came in because
the room was also occupied with other people but she had her full sleep but I
did not. After some time, I went to a place to eat Satay Celup, and I realize
that it was the same place I had been with her, and the same place I had sat
and her sitting next to me. I still remember the incident that happened. She
looked at me and say to me, “Don’t eat so much de…” but I told her “Okok..” but
I still continue to eat, because I like the food and I still remember the every
food she choose to eat and suddenly I had followed her and I realize that it
was tasty but everything came into a blank screen because I looked back up and saw
she wasn’t there anymore for me, because I had asked her to leave me and it had
happen in the end.
Asking her to leave is wrong
decision but the decision had been made, in the end, I knew that every time I
made upon a wish on my birthday for someone to be happy and found her true
love, it really came true and I saw that everyone of them really did found one
and it was way better than me, I never denied that they could do better than me
but I could not do better because I had not overcome my fears and I do not have
the courage. No matter how many things had happen in the past and I had done,
it wasn’t any good or bad at all because that was not the things to be concern
on, it only matters on how you look on yourself and do you think that was it
right or wrong. In the past, I would think of myself great and never really
realize the wrong that I had been doing, but slowly I realize it and I started
to change because I slowly realize that I was being ugly. After watching “Beastly”,
I found that I had some things that I had in common, because of being ugly; I would
only open my eyes to see the people around me and realize the mistakes that I had
done so much. Everyone has a second chance but if the second chance you had
never appreciated it properly then it would end up in the trash. “Love was
never ugly” & “I had seen something uglier than that”… When love comes,
ugly was never anymore ugly and because you do not really mind about the ugliness
of the outer part but you appreciated the kindness in heart.
decision but the decision had been made, in the end, I knew that every time I
made upon a wish on my birthday for someone to be happy and found her true
love, it really came true and I saw that everyone of them really did found one
and it was way better than me, I never denied that they could do better than me
but I could not do better because I had not overcome my fears and I do not have
the courage. No matter how many things had happen in the past and I had done,
it wasn’t any good or bad at all because that was not the things to be concern
on, it only matters on how you look on yourself and do you think that was it
right or wrong. In the past, I would think of myself great and never really
realize the wrong that I had been doing, but slowly I realize it and I started
to change because I slowly realize that I was being ugly. After watching “Beastly”,
I found that I had some things that I had in common, because of being ugly; I would
only open my eyes to see the people around me and realize the mistakes that I had
done so much. Everyone has a second chance but if the second chance you had
never appreciated it properly then it would end up in the trash. “Love was
never ugly” & “I had seen something uglier than that”… When love comes,
ugly was never anymore ugly and because you do not really mind about the ugliness
of the outer part but you appreciated the kindness in heart.
