Love Story

Love Story

Day 1,

The first day me and my Dear finally watch movie together. I am so happy when I first heard that we finally go watch movie and I quickly go book tickets online~ :-)

Alvin and the Chipmunks 3!!!!

But before going to watch movies, we go over to Gardens there to eat Taiwanese Cuisine...

A lot have happened lately..the good is just around the corner..will slowly update more and more new stuff....

Courage and Love

Courage and Love

Day 14-12-2011 , 

The number of days that is left is getting lesser and lesser. Starting to feel worry and fear. There are rules and regulation in it, but I seem to try to break the rules. The experience and mistakes I learned from the past, it slowly gives me some courage but there are always things that need to be repay. I had question for myself, what if it happens that way in the end? Will I be satisfied with the answer? I think I will feel satisfied because "LOVE" is blind. In the end, the answer wasn't the important at all. All it really matters is how you think because you had done your best. 

Things are getting messy and messier. I sometimes felt confused in some reasons. Putting effort doesn't meant success but only partial of lessons you will learn. I had always try to put effort and courage to it. I had never once in life succeed before. There are many negatives mindset in me that I could not control it. There are things that others will never know. Fear, is one of the negative mindset that it should not think of because it will distract myself from proceeding. 

When you try to show the nature of yourself, it might look horrible but I am just being myself. I slowly again start feeling the coldness that will be coming to me. I try to get myself warmth up but it is too cold as like I am being inside a freezer without any exit. Slowly, i realize that people who thinks about the relationship is because they do care about holding the relationship so that it will be stronger that the string might not be torn.

What if the things really became like the usual that you used to be. Will I still be the same? There will be question for me, but the answer is always, I will return back to my original state because that will be my fate. What if things turn out you wanted to be? Will I merrier? Yes, I will but I will start to have a long journey to stick with. The journey doesn't question me anything because I will do better and better. 

I am like a mirror, I smile and it returns me a smile when I am facing it, but when I turn around without facing the mirror, I might start to feel down and just facing down. There might be tears but the tear shows that I really care about it and it really will hurts. It will be painless to others because when I faced them, they saw the smiles that reflects, but when I turn around, you might see that so that you won't able to know about it.

Courage will give you strength and Love will give you life. With a true heart, it might not always win but it give memories. I just wish that one of my wishes come true. I used to listen to a song long time ago. "Never had a dream come true"

"Never had a dream come true till the day I had found you"
Am I?

Timing

Timing

11-12-2011,

Timing, it's very hard to decide the timing. Too many things happened so quickly, in the end, only reality. There many things that could not be expected. Can't sleep but I am still awake by the thinking. Haiz...

Another Moment

Another Moment

9 December 2011,

There is only a few days before it comes, after a night on the concert, I starting to feel many things going back the original way that I used to feel. While walking towards the empty street with only songs to accompany me, I felt that nothing had changed. I starting to feel that, when people is happy then its will be ok, it doesn't meant I need to happy so that it will make me feel better. I don't think I will feel that anyway. I have a sixth sense, I feel something that I will be the same like usual, the same way that I am walking on the empty street. I felt the cold now, not because I am in an air cond room, but I do felt that coldness from some where else. I can't describe the cold because it happens to me all the time. While I am in the room with the lights off and I could only see the laptop screen that is very bright. When I am on my bed, I felt lost and sometimes, my body would feel very cold because of alone. I can't always think that way because I need to clam myself down. Sometimes actions and words may not describe how I felt. When I am alone, I can only be myself, the original me that was once quiet and don't dare to say anything much to anyone. I had a small heart that can't take big incidents but I always faces big incidents. Times that I need friends or some talk, but it doesn't appear to have one because I prefer to be alone. At least, I knew that I can stay focus and slowly get back up with my own bare hands. People do need caring and warmth but mabye for me, it might be an optional because I am used to it. I wanted to write more things but I could not, because it doesn't meant anything. It will only be words without any feelings anymore.

Loving someone is difficult than forgetting someone. When you love someone, you will try your best to impress them but when you knew that, they doesn't like you, you will feel hurt but you will still go on because you don't mind getting hurt. When you start to forget someone, it is easy because you don't really care about the feelings anymore. I can easily fall in love with someone, because I really felt that love. Although, the time may be short, but it is worth it. While I was driving back home, I listen the same song for many times. (好心好報)

I felt that way, no matter how good deeds you did, it does not meant that there are repays. I can see that in the end, I am alone again. In the beginning, everything works fine but when they don't need you anymore, I will just be a silly boy that continues to wait and wait for miracles to happen. It doesn't hurt others but I felt that and it doesn't matter. Anyway, it was just another night of a dream. I slowly felt that I am like a reflection in the mirror, when you smile, I will smile back but when you had closed the lights, you can't see the smiling face anymore because you are still imagining the smiling face, at least you won't feel any pain.

I can't have a good sleep because my dreams are waking me up. I am trying to push myself to sleep and not to think to much. I wasn't thinking anything, only the cold and loneliness that kept me awake.

Nights.....

The Same Old Christmas Feeling

The Same Old Christmas Feeling


Day 06-12-2011,

The feeling is still the same as usual, nothing special but still alone. Many things has changed but only in the pace of improvement in my own future. Nothing much and nothing more. I am starting to feel left out again even though the smiles and laughter that I can make it up. This year, I only see the joy of people enjoying the christmas taste. Nowadays, I don't feel any better after that incident happened. I felt lost and can't concentrate on the things that I want to do. Sometimes, I felt that the happiness that I had once always eager want to have is no longer there anymore. White Christmas Tree,

I want to make things change but I could not do it. Even if I would want to change it, if won't change as well. I had always advice friends to be more strong and stay in reality, but when the thing goes back to me, I unable to get strong. I don't have any courage to like anyone anymore because I don't have that kind of feeling anymore, no matter what really happens. I don't feel the joy or excitement anymore like before. I felt myself bad and only tears that will starting to roll out. I don't feel like going anywhere but just stay at home or just be by the lakeside or beach. Listening to the water waves that is splashing to one wave to another. I like to switch on the application that can that listen to the waves and rain drops. The sound and environment was the feeling that I am feeling right now. Tears seem to be dropping by each second in minutes.

Day 05-12-2011,

This was the day that I start to lost confidence and my feeling of happiness with the smiles and laughter were starting to be taken away from myself. There are many things that I don't want to do it, but I did the mistake. I start to tell myself, please don't be so stupid anymore, it is just a past. It will not happen again even though it had the chance. If i don't ever smile again, will there be a problem for me? I will feel the distance of lonely starting to be nearer. I think I am on that step. Love may never be perfect, but only those who are in relationship will felt that it was perfect for them because they love another in their hearts although there may be conflict with one another. In a relationship, no matter what happens, it can be very sweet if you only think it was sweet. I used to have that feeling but it was no longer there anymore. It had disappear for some time that I didn't know when it happened before. I try to stand up and I managed to did it, with my own two hands but I saw other people with a group of hands to help them out in the misery. I felt that I am stronger but i saw people with full smiles but for me, Anger to revive myself. It was no difference that I am working alone or with someone else because in the end, it will remain the same old me. I saw the younger friends of mine, I always encourage them to work better and learn more stuff because I had experienced once before, I felt regret that I never learn much and being this way. I would like to work in an environment of office, because I only talk to myself and just go on with the work. After work, I will walk back to the railway station and saw many nice shops on the way. I will able to see the happiness smiles on people while going back home but I will still have a despair heart in the end. I am so envy with people who are always hanging out with friends where else, I am single at the moment. 

Feelings

Feelings

A lot had happen recently, experience and feelings. I started working and everything seems to be different, I see something different in life. I enjoyed my job but anyhow I am not satisfied with it. I want to climb higher but there is a saying that “If do not have a big head, then don’t wear it on the small head” or “The higher you climb, the easier you will fall down” . Feelings of depressed but the only thing I can do is just move on and do my part. I had just got everything I needed but I still feel unsatisfied. Feelings are just an emotion that only takes part in life. Every day when I go to work, I will like to drive far away so that I can listen to my IPod while walking to my working place. I feel relax while doing that after work every night.

I finally got myself a new laptop. Even though it’s new but I got it was because I needed it badly for my job. Life isn’t easy because there are many things that I can’t do and there are rules. I had a bad dream few days ago and I never expected that I will dream about it. When I dream, dreams came true and I didn’t want that to happen. The worst part is that I still remember every detail about the dream. I do feel tired but there is no one that I can talk to. Sometimes when you knew that you talk too much, people will start giving you hints and you knew you should stop talking. That is the part that you knew, what you think was eventually not important.

When I am driving back home, I feel that I am tired and frustrated. I like to hear old songs that have romantic feeling. Although it was old but it has meaning for me. It will ease my stress but I will think a lot of my previous past that I do not want to think about. I want to a trip to somewhere that is peaceful and I can forget about the past. Sometimes past is a just a matter of growing up. It might also lead to frustration.

Love is something I must avoid right now. Loving someone might end up forever but being with one another may not lead to eternity. When you put full efforts on it, you mustn’t expect the same from others. It might only lead sadness and maybe you end hurting yourself. I am not being happy anymore like usual.

There are many things that I can’t talk about. There are many rules that I can’t break.

Thoughts

Thoughts

Yesterday, I had a sense that something is not going alright, and it gives me the feeling of fear. My right eye blink and something not good will be happening and something I will lose something. This makes my mood to change, that I can’t concentrate properly on the things I am doing. There is always lot thinking on my mind. I feel so tired of thinking but things are just always there appearing. Some things are never mend to be changed. A lot changes had been happening around me and this was the life I had choose. Every time a new happen, I learn something from it and I tend to lose the wonderful things that had once happen to me. There are things that you are required to let go because when things had already happen and began, it means there will be an ending and the ending might never turn out to the story that you had ever wanted.

I always think and think but I knew that I had already choose my choice that I should not had feel regret. Things might turn out to be better in such a manner. Although things are not the way that I would want it to be, but anyway it turn out to be something better and at least I know that I think I had made a good choice. I had been still in thinking that whether that was I feeling cold or was the room filled with air condition cold. I kept my laptop on my lap while typing on the bed. When I look over on the side of my bed, I used to feel something warm and though of something but time seemed to be changing as I started to feel it was getting colder and colder. Alone in the room with my bed and just a laptop on my lap. Listening to the songs that was being played on my desktop and hoping for something miracle to happen but it did not. I knew how miracles works and it wasn’t for me because I am not that lucky but someone out there might need it.

I think I would just give that luck out so that someone who really needs it will get it have a miracle on them. Although I had a hard time on my life, but I had never try to give it up because I know that this was a journey that I should proceed on and although it takes times and bitter along the way. It is worth it and I knew that hard times will be paid off someday. I will feel very envy to some of my friends but although I feel that way, I try to improve myself and get on that. I always tell myself that if I do not have a big head, do not wear a big hat for me. Just wear something that will only fit into my small and average head. I could not sleep on the night because I was thinking and thinking. Lot things came into my mind and I think I really need a break time and the only way to solve it was that I could over the world and go somewhere that had beautiful beaches and full of quiet and clean.

Days are getting nearer and nearer. Things are getting tougher each time I encounter but more new things I was learning. Even though you could see me and you realize that I change, will you notice about me? Or just maybe thinks about me? ..............

Emotion

Emotion

Recently, it has been a hard time
for me, I feel very tired and sometimes things always give me to think a lot. I
think now I starting to have family problems. Everything seems so difficult to
me. Although it’s hard but I still have to go on. I always thought of having
everything perfectly running on life style but actually it wasn’t because the
real training has just begun. I only can express my emotions in the words but
never in the real world. I had stay away from my own family for almost a year
and so. I never expected much from what I had gain during all this month’s
being a parted. It wasn’t hard at all because I was used to it during my
childhood.

In life, the young ones must bear
the older responsible such as taking care of them and taking over their debts.
It was because the older ones are the debt that they used on the young ones but
sometimes they are not. The older ones use the debt as their own luxury and let
their young ones to take care of it as it was their own responsible. I had to
take care of their debt and be responsible for it. Although it may difficult in
time but I have to bear the responsible. When I started that I would wish to
continue to study and being falling in love with study because I would like to
gain more knowledge and a higher degree. It was the time that I had to choose
to fall on the ground once again. No matter how much you love something but it
may not be yours as you would imagine. Everything has been taken away from you
as it only left is responsible that wasn’t meant to be yours.

In life, I always would want to
share my burden with someone so that I can tell her that I am tired and I need
some hug. It would not happen at all because I am being alone that I could not
find anyone to talk to. That is what my life should be, although it was lonely
but the days I encounter was the real fact that I am facing right now. I feel
so tired that I would just want to stay in dream land and everything went well
but it will not happen because one day I have to wake up and face the reality
world. A room that I stay was an empty room with no emotion and grey walls without
any open windows that only stored darkness and loneliness inside the room.

When I was driving on the way to
work, I always had an empty heart in me. A feeling that I had always felt
lonely and something that takes away my happiness. Sometimes I always had the
feeling of bitter in heart that fears my tears falling down from my eyes but I always
kept them dry and stopping it from dropping even though the feeling is
difficult. I starting to feel very lonely and very left out in my own world. I
feel the fear and loneliness in the world and even though that I had some
friends around me but everything was different because of the feeling that I wanted
to tell someone something and I could not do that because no one will tend to
listen to my speech.

The days that each day passes gives
me sadness and only a burden to me. When I walk around a night market and I always
carry around my back a bag that is filled with my stuffs. I always felt so
heavy but I always told myself, the burden that I carry now was not that heavy
because my life burden is even heavier than I am carrying right now. I do not
have someone to care about me. I can see the path that I am taking and it was a
long road without any companions. I starting to control my tears and I starting
to stop the tears from falling but I could not stop my heart from crying. I
wanted to tell her about my problems and my burden but I could not do that. She
will have no interest on me because I knew the truth and I know it will end
that way. I always predicted the future and it really happens. I always choose
the way of breathing in deeply then letting it out slowly and I always saw
myself doing that when I face sadness and loneliness on my own. When I meet my
family while working, I will feel embarrassed that how my family talks and
giving me something to bear the responsible. They never really care about how I
felt but only will think that they are always right. In times, everything may
not be the way it should be.

I think there is someone that has
the same feelings like me in this world that is around the world. Someone that
faces the same problem and seeking someone that would really listens to them. Being
a cancerous in the horoscope may have a very nice heart and a strong one but in
the other side; they are alone and always putting the trouble and things into
their own world. I love to help people when they needed help but when it was my
turn that needed help no one turn up and I was alone there facing the problem
and solving it all the way by my own. Sometimes promises are just a lie and they
will forget about that promises that they had made in the past. It was true
indeed but I never blame anyone because I had done my part and I had never tended
to break the promises that I had made. At least I know that I had really made a
real promise and I knew myself had protected that promise very well indeed. I
think may be in the future, I might had forgotten that promise but I don’t I would
because I always put that in mind.

Loving you in the past may be my
best luck in my life but because having you as my partner in the past was my
happiness that I had. Although love may fade away very quickly on you to me but
I had never fade away the love that I had for you. I choose another way of
putting that into the promises so that it would not fade away even though I know
it will be useless and everything won’t be the same anymore. Being your friend
was something the least I could do. My heart may look strong on outside but it
is very weak on inside, it is breaking the every moment I am think about it.
Secrets are never mended to be told but some secrets are always mend to remain
secret and always being the heart of someone that you must protect. Do you ever
think about me and ever thinks of me of being on your side because I am being
there for you? Or was I just an illusion that appears whenever you needed me?
Nothing will be the truth because everything was fate. A fate that appears to
be there but a transparent wall is over there, that you could only see her but
she may never see you. The truth only lies between the words.

The Timing

The Timing

Words and texts always appear in my mind. A lot had happen lately, lot things that I had never
think of it before. Sadness and happiness in the past had always been a past. Strengths
that I had now were never perfect. Loving someone and telling someone you like
her/him is always about timing. Timing is very important as it will conclude
the time that both the couple will be ending in what kind of time. Some people
may have the perfect timing and always ended up in the old couple age. It seems
that my timing was not perfect because I got nothing yet. Loving someone doesn’t
mean it must be together but only hopes for another to be happy.  I had always thought my timing was right but it wasn’t because I always didn’t have the lucky charm around me.

A lot had happen during this one month time. I learn a lot from my work. I always thought
that my aims and directions are correct but I knew myself was easy being
corrupted by someone. It was my weakness, I always like to care for someone
else feeling but I never really care about my own. Actually, I should be happy
because I had everything that I needed at the moment. Although some things I wanted
that it was not there for me. I should not be greedy and just be grateful of
things I had. I love to study but sometimes there are times that what you
really wanted to do and it will be an obstacle to block you from getting it. I
try to learn my hard times by working harder and better so that I can achieve
what I would really want.

It seems that I am missing something in my life. I miss the times that someone would
really care for me when I needed the most. I shouldn’t think of that phrase of
word. The choice and timing was I am who chooses it. Regrets were never to be hearing
from myself because I choose it. In the reality world, I had always wanted a
message coming from my phone that someone I really missed would come in but it
never did. Time changes and everything is not there anymore. Lies of happiness
in my mouth had always been appearing because I never wanted someone to
understand the true of myself.

In my dreams, I had always dream about a girl, but I never knew who was her. She was
nor ugly or pretty but just a perfect girl that I would be interest in. She was
kind in my dreams. She takes cares of me. I always fall for the same dream but
always in a different scenario. I could not remember how she looks like but I just
knew that I like her. Each time my dream was coming into an end, I always had
blank and black mind. I could not remember everything but I knew the feeling
was sad and only disappointment that my heart feels. I think I had fallen in
love with my dream world because everything was running smoothly even though
when time ends it will hurt a bit.

In reality, I learn a lot that giving up is not the choice of me. I will struggle on and
try my best even though I had failed many times. I try to be humble because I know
I should. People out there may be better and a lot better than me but it seems
that I am afraid of it. I miss someone very badly but I could not tell her
that. She doesn’t have the feelings for me. I am only an ordinary guy from some
part of the earth. I wanted to talk with her and having jokes around with her.
I would want to see her laughter and her beautiful smile around her cheek. I
couldn’t do that because I do not have the courage to do that. I can only think
of it but can never ever tell her that.

I feel alone in the path that I was walking towards the road that I am going.
Everything was done alone by me and I had no companion towards my path. I saw
only dark and the path is getting darker and colder in the way. Although it was
dark, I found some sticks and I had struck against one the sticks to build a
fire and show a light towards the darkness. It is very cold indeed but my stick
lit with the fire gives me bit warmth that I needed it most. Although it may
been alone all the way towards the path but I gained independent from the
lessons I had learn. I knew that I am from a different world that comparing
with hers. It was ok because I could see her in distance but she never saw my
tears and the sadness that had been appearing on my face.

I am feeling sad but the only thing I could do is try to wipe off the tears and stop
myself from falling tears from my eyes. Although it may be hard for me to
counter this fear but I had to go on with it. I had never tried to ask whether I
could be your man and I would want to protect you. I never did because I knew I
could not do it because I had fears. I like to hide myself from others because I
never tend to let them know how I felt. I only show a face that I am happy and
there is nothing wrong. Hiding my emotions is the best thing I can do.

I remember something about you. When I first saw you, I think I had liked you and I would want
to know you. I feel the feeling is different but I never hope for it because I do
not have the luck anymore. Last time, I would have the courage but because I felt
that I am uglier now and I lost my confidence on myself. I don’t dare tell
anyone about my secret that I was thinking. I didn’t want anyone to know about
it. Loving someone is easy but when you knew that you had really fallen into
the love, you feel hurt and you had hard time getting out of that place. No
matter how much you had placed your feelings in the past but it doesn’t mean
you need the repay from her/him. Love someone is being humble and generous and
without any repay. I think I choose that way and now my past, I never expected
a repay or anything. I just hope that they are happy and that is enough for it.

Running towards the path, because you foresee a thing that you must do but the thing doesn’t
belong to you. If it was yours then it will be yours but if it wasn’t then no
matter what you do, it will never be but you will only hurt yourself even more.
I always put a smile for myself when I am feeling hurt. I remember every time
when something hurts me deeply, I will only put a smile and say “Oooo…its ok…” then
I will inhale a deep breath and let go. I had tried to hold on before but I fear
the hatred you would give me. I never want to leave but I try to respect your
decision and I accept the truth. I knew you never had feelings for me anymore
because we are now far away from one another planet. We are so far away that I can
still see you but we are never in contact anymore.

The story of Alex, has the ending part, Alex was awaken from his dreams. He saw himself
on the bed, laying there and everything was just white. Alex talked to himself,
“Where am I? Why am I here? Why everything is just white? “, then a voice
responded, “You had an accident and we are sorry to inform you that your eyes
are damaged…We had did our best…”, then Alex kept quiet and say nothing but
only sitting on the bed while putting his hand on his eyes. Then a gentle voice
appears, “Alex…Don’t be sad…everything is alright...”, then Alex said, “Who are
you??”, then the gentle voice replies, “My name is?????................

The accident has cause illusion to Alex and things went back to the past that had everything
was just a dream.

Night Time

Night Time

April 14, 2011, I am still puzzled
with myself. I want to SMS you but I didn’t have the courage to SMS you. I can’t
sleep and I hoped to find you to chat with me but it seem I had done it yet
even though these few nights I couldn’t have a proper sleep. I had tried
listening songs and reading books so that I can get myself tired and have a
nice sleep but I just couldn’t get to sleep. Every time I want to close my eyes, I will take my phone and wanted to
text you but the moment I saw the conversations we had, I stopped and I feel
that I couldn’t text you. Why did I always stop myself and never gave myself a
courage just to type a few words and send it to you? I am confused with myself
and I hate the way I had been. Sometimes I had always been putting hope on it
but I at last never take the step forward.

I feel that writing a blog is a best
way to express my feelings as it is the only I can do right now. I missed the
old days I had but nothing will be returning anyway, I always hoped to have a
nice dream but I never saw that coming. Although I had awakened my sleep in the
morning, I will see black and an empty space in it. Do I actually had feelings
for her or was it just a dream that I always had been dreaming. I am considering
being lucky because I had a past and maybe somewhere out there, some people do
not have the chance at all. Listening to songs in the middle of the night is
very comfortable but it may be very lonely as well. Tomorrow is a day that is
one of my biggest achievements that I must complete and I only have 8 hours
time before I can really prepare everything well. Time seem to be running and I
always putting those problems into my mind. It might be very annoying but I never
tend to fix it.

Why these feelings always do come
and I never want to fix it? I hear one my friends and he told me that people
like programmers always like to talk to themselves and always putting the
problems they face into their own world. I think I am beginning to fall into
that world and I didn’t want to. I want find someone that I can really rely on
and talk to her about my problems and she could lend her ears to me but I couldn’t
find one. Even though there is, but I don’t think she would, because I never
tried? Or was it because I want to run away from it? Everyone has their own
problems and everyone must overcome their fears in order to face the reality. I
never hope to be perfect but I just wanted to make sure that I can get
everything alright. Mistakes always appear on me but I tried to fix but
sometimes I couldn’t get things right.

Love and slow songs are always my
favorite type of songs that I like to hear but each time I like a song, I would
always think it in a imaginary world that I would be but I never tried to think
back into reality because sometimes I do think that these kind of imagination
is a place that I can really relax and putting my head on rest. Sooner or
later, I find that I must not be adapting to this kind of actions because you
would always rely on it. I tried to think differently and having another action
that is go to sleep and closing my eyes and try not to think about the past and
it was because a past is always a past. I remember that I saw a note that
written about “EX” and the meaning of it was that “An EX is an example of a
mistake you done in the past and you knew how it feels, the pain, the sorrow,
the loneliness, the lied, the experience you had gained after a relationship
was not proper being take care of.” This was one of my thoughts that I had been
thinking, an EX is never to repeat the same mistakes but to improve in your
next relationships.

When you are in a room that is only
you are who will be sleeping in. Everything in the corner is a dead material
that had no response but only echo could be heard. You will feel that you are
alone and only a computer you will be facing with. Each time, I switch on my
computer and when it startup, comes the desktop and there is the internet
browser that I would click. The first thing that I will browse would be
FACEBOOK but everything I click my FACEBOOK, I would look at the notifications and
I hope to see her status but I tried not to click it. It work for some time but
in some time later, I would click it but I tried to stop myself from clicking
it and each time I told myself that it doesn’t matter to me anyway because I was
a nobody. I always placed my pink crystal ball in front of my computer so that I
could get to know more people and getting my relationship in the future to be
better but it seem not be working but only a further distance will be appearing
and disappointment.

Being alone in my lifetime was
something not different from my childhood but the things are that I can do
things on my own. I never hoped to live happily just like what my other friends
are having right now. I just wish to be simple and try to hang out with friends
and chatting together. Things are different, maybe it was the environment that I
was being raised in or maybe it was because it was my fate. When you think of
someone and you want to tell her about it, I seem to be coward and try not to
tell her because I have a fear on it. Every past means something to me. Every
time I was on my bed, I remembered my ex being there and she said something to
me, a word that till now I had never forget at all. A sentence that would hurt
and by that moment, I knew that I wasn’t in her world and I had been being a
fool all along.

Things are being that way, when you are
willing to give up everything for her, she may not be the one for you. Even
though it had been 2 years in the past but I had remember a lot about my past.
Even now, if I had fallen for someone and I had told her before but it seems
not work because it takes time but even though I had put effort on it, it doesn’t
work and I knew how the ending would be. My dream is always being a real in
reality and if I do not dream about her, it means that she doesn’t appear in my
reality. My dreams are true but sometimes I never hope to have that true dream
because it hurts. Good friends are hard to find and sometimes when one of your
EX becomes your best friend, it doesn’t meant that she will be there for you when
you sad, she had her own troubles to face.

Sometimes you would hope that your
best friend would be there for you when you need them but it doesn’t come. You
would want to find them but because you’re EX is your best friend so you didn’t
find her. You knew she had a boyfriend and didn’t want to interrupt them. You
will just take the problems with you and walk on while carrying a big load of
sack of sand on your back. I like to help people with their problems and I always
tried to cheer people up even though I had a bit of crush on her but I never
tend to tell her but only hope the better words for her. You are happy when she
says thanks to you and telling you that you are a great friend indeed. I like
to add on the text that think of me whenever you are not happy and hope that it
might cheer you up a bit because I can try to be there to cheer u up whenever I
am needed.

The truth is that I had tried my
best to be there but I will always noted that if you are happy then you can
just forget about the things that I had told you because I wish to give
happiness but not sadness to you. I like to put sweets on your heart but I could
not put salt into your heart because I do not want to see your tears coming out
from your eyes. Even though there is no gain for me but I feel happy because at
least I had something to make people happy. Even though it doesn’t give me any
happiness but share the luck and happiness to other people is the best that I can
do. Do I miss my EX? To be honest, I do miss them. Things are different, no
matter how much you had missed the ones that you had really love for but there
is no going back in time even though there is a time machine because what
happens in the future will always be the truth. I do wish to be back my 1^st
love that I had but me and her are in a different world that we can only be
best friends but never a couple in reality anymore. I knew a lot about her but
she knew less about me because I always hide my feelings. I still remember what
her favorite fruit was and I remember her like to eat mango, and I knew that
she like the pudding that I once had prepare for her. Her favorite color is
black because she likes to wear black all the time and she likes to wear normal
tee and short pants. Anyway, it was just a past.

I remember another EX that she used
to love dolphins and I always try to get a dolphin doll or keychain for her.  She likes to eat spicy food and that is where I
was so afraid of because I do not have the appetite for spicy food but I slowly
try to adapt into her spicy world and soon I fall in love with the spicy world.
It takes me time to adapt with it but because I hope that I can share the same
taste with her but I try to change and overcome one of my fears for her. She
likes to buy clothes and she likes to put make up, because she feels that she
is not pretty enough but for me, she is already perfect because she is being
herself. Being with her lasted two years but time passed really fast and during
the two years’ time, she had changed a lot  and she was different from the moment I knew
her. I knew she wanted to leave and I let her go and I never hold back because
she doesn’t love me anymore. The feeling is gone and if I would continue, there
will be happiness between each other.

I still remembered an EX that she
treats me well and always tend to listen to me, I had like to see her long hair
because it fits her perfectly but then during this relationship, it turns into
a disaster because this relationship should not have been started at the
beginning and I remember she likes to drink warm water only and there is no
cold water in her dictionary. She likes to snooze at night when she is
sleeping. Being with her lasted a year and a lot things changes because she doesn’t
trust me and I doesn’t trust her anymore. I had the feeling for her but I doesn’t
trust her anymore because she had given me a lie that I cannot forget. Anyway, I
knew her that she has turn alright then I glad enough to know that someone had
really taken care of her.

Everything might be a past but they
had given me some good and bad memories, an experience that it will only happen
once in my lifetime. Memories are just temporary but it will always remain in
my head but when one day, I had a lost memory and everything is gone then it
might be a good and a bad thing because at least these memories are no longer
to exist on my memories. The time now is 4.15 AM and I still continue writing this
blog. I think I am tired and maybe because I had written for some time then I feel
tired and I can rest. I hope my dreams will be something that I would want and a
good luck for myself in my coming presentation. J

Expectation from Dreams

Expectation from Dreams
For some time, I had always been dreaming…from my experience, a dream that came across
in my life is a fear for me, I had always been afraid to go sleep whenever I had
the chance, because if in my dreams, I had a nightmare or an unpleasant dream,
maybe regarding about breaking up in the relationships, it will eventually
happen and how the process that happened in the dream. I had experience this
not only once but in my serious relationships, I will always foresee that she
doesn’t need me anymore and walk away from me. Even though the time I had was
with her that does not have any relationships problems at all, or maybe it does
had but I didn’t realize it. Dreams may be perfect for some other people
because they will dream all the nice dream they would want in their life but
did not happen in the reality, but my dream was my reality, a reality that will
be happening in the future, a foretell and even my senses would tell me the future
of happening. I experienced a lot from my senses where my eyes blink suddenly
and I knew something is going to happen. I had always been afraid whenever my
eyes blink because each side symbolizes a meaning, my left eye that represents
fortunes where else my right eyes represent dangers and unfortunate in my
future. I had always hoped that it would never blink and when it blinks, I will
look around all my sides and be really carefully with my surroundings. Even
though how much preparation I had done, it will be sooner the thing will happen
and it never skips off.


I wish that my dreams are ending with a happy ending but it did not happen that way. Last
time, I would always dream that my ex will walk away from me and I would try to
avoid that incident to happen but it never help, but hopes are never there, she
was gone, away from me and she doesn’t need me to be there because there is
someone more suitable than I was. I never blame her for leaving, but I blame
myself that I need do better for hold her tight into my arms but I fear the
pain I would give her if I would hold tightly. Love may be complicated but
dreams will not be complicated because you can see the truth and after the
truth is shown, you would wake up from your dream, sometimes you might remember
how it happen but sometimes you might not. If you like someone, would you
really tell her/him? For me, I think so but I will try to get the hint from
her/him. As I would know the answer and what she/he was thinking, then I will
get point and answer. What if I get the right answer that I wanted to hear,
will I tell her that I had a crush for her/him?? I do not know how to answer
that question, maybe I will let her/him know, but maybe I will not. If you love
someone very deeply, it doesn’t meant that you need to be forever with her/him…I
am afraid of being alone but the road I taken is alone to face it. Even though
how hard it goes, I just need to go on with it, everything I am alone in the
room, only me and the bed, I would always like to hear a song, “怕安静” because I really
scare of it, the lyrics had everything I want to hear, I had gone into the
cinema but every time I look on the side of me, I would wish someone was with
me, someone that I like and someone that always be there for me, but she wasn’t
there, I am all alone waiting but no one came.


Whenever I saw couples around the corner hugging together in the cinema, I would realize that I
really missed that moment but everything was gone, only dreams will appear but
not for me, because I had never got dream that I wanted to stay in. Whenever I picked
up my phone, I would always wish that the SMS was you, but before I switch it
back on the screen, I will always tell myself, it’s from Digi or maybe advertising
SMS, and every time I guess about the SMS, it came true, it wasn’t her at all,
and I knew it but I always hoped that it was her. If someday, you like someone
that comes for your help, but it has already been a past, would you help? My
answer will be a “Yes” because I like to help people when there are in trouble
but I would take that chance to tell her that I like her that I had once liked
her, sometimes people would think that it might be a good chance that maybe she
will like you as well but because I knew the answer within her eyes, I knew
that she only need help but doesn’t really need me after that. Last time, I used
to like my ex, and even though it had been 3 years after the breakup, I still
had the feelings for her, but I never really told her about it but in the end, I
had told her and before I told her, I already knew the answer that she would
give me. It might be complicated because why you knew answer but you wanted to
tell her about it? My answer was, “I didn’t know why?” Why did you gave up so
quickly and never really show the reality of you being that you are for real? I
knew the answers so clearly, because of this clearly answers, I tend to give up
on myself but secretly to treat her nice and help her whenever she needed me,
because that is the only thing I can do and at least she would not hide from me
whenever she really needed help. During the trip, I was alone in the hotel
room, I would always hoped that she was around there being with me, by my side,
but ended up, I was all along alone in the dreams. When I woke up, I will only
hear my phone ringing for the alarm but my phone SMS are always empty. The time
I having now is always a hard time for me because I tend to work long hours and
try to distract myself from the alone, but whenever I am back home, facing my
computer and bed with the music being play on my computer, I would started to
lay on my bed and taking out my phone and waiting for the SMS but no SMS came
in, but only tears and disappointment came into the scene. I hate the tears
that came from my eyes but I could not stop it from flowing out. You always
like to help your friends out with their trouble and problems, but did you help
yourself?? I did not help myself but I put myself more stress and when you
someone you will feel happy because someone you help had gained happiness and
that is the thing that you feel glad about it. Did you try before falling in
love with someone that you used to help and always encourage her to do better
but you never let her down and whenever she needs help, you can see it from her
status, and you will try to be there for her?


She would never know about how you felt for her but only you would know how you felt for
her.  Before even you tried to tell her
that you had a little crush on her, you already knew what was the answer she
would give if you asked whether, what do you think about me? And I like you…
the answer you would get, “Sorry”, and this was the answers that you knew that
you would get. Sometimes I knew the answer so directly, but I always fall for
the same old trap, its better that you never told her about you like her because
sometimes it might involve not talking so much among each other. Anyway, I know
that it is understandable because people never asked me to treat them nice but
it was own willing to do so. Treat people nice and caring that you like doesn’t
meant you need to be with them, because people had someone they like and they
doesn’t need you. There are so many people around them; there are many people
better and nicer than you. You are just a bystander and just passing around
them. You are not special at all. You are just an ordinary guy from the world.
You can feel how people felt and what their answers in their mind are, but you
never ever change their answers. If you ever fall into love with her, but you
knew the answers, will you still continue treat her as before, I think I will
because I am just being who I am. I just wanted her to know that she is not
alone, I am there but whenever you need me, then I will appear but when you do
not need me, I will disappear from the spot. I had watched a movie before, and
there is a saying, the girl asked the guy, I hear that once there is a
beautiful flower in the very high hill, and then it is very dangerous and
people who goes there and plucked the flower will die. Will you plucked the
flower and give it to me? Then the guy answer that he would not and the girl
was angry and ignored the guy, then the guy told the girl as the answer was the
same as I had thought I would say to someone if really it happens. “I will go
and pluck the flower because I need my eyes to look at you whenever you are
forget to wipe your dirt on your mouth, whenever you are sad then my mouth can
be there for you to cheer you up and when you are happy then I can talk along
with you, my arms are for you because whenever you need a hug, then my arms are
the perfect spot for you lay on. When you sick, and I could use my both legs to
run and buy porridge for you to eat or I can go and cook for you or may be even
carry you around on my shoulders and uses my legs to run so that you could feel
safe being with me. But when you love someone else and you don’t need me
anymore, I will climb up the mountain and pluck the flower for you. Words may
be sweet but you will never know that was I for real or not? There is only one
thing I can say, “Trust” is all you need believe on me, and when you doesn’t
need me , I will be disappear like you will never know.


Blog is a place where you can express your feelings for someone but do you really hope
that someone really reads what you wrote? Sometimes you would wish she can read
it but in the end, you will know that she never read about it. Love someone
doesn’t mean you need to tell her but only hopes the best for her. If she feel
that now she is happy with her life and everything around her, I will not change
it even though it will does nothing good to me, I don’t want someone changes
because of me, I want them be who they are and be happy. If I am only the
unhappy, then it is worth it, because of me, I had helped a lot of people being
happy and at least I wanted to respect someone. I didn’t mean anything but I just
hoped that you will never know and never ever understand about me. I had a lot of
past and because of my past, I had fear on it, and therefore, you deserve
someone better than me and I am not an option or choice. I am only a bystander
that gives you wishes and good luck. I never think myself having any chances at
all. ^_^

Ps:

It might be sweet but it is a bit sour for me. (让你觉得很甜但是很痛。。)

Two Days Of Experiencing The Past That Could Not Be Forgotten...

Day 1, 3/28/2011

The night before Day 1 that was
coming, I was attending the wedding of an old friend of mine from my junior
years. During the wedding ceremony, I started to think about the past, a past
that happen only just last year but could not be forgotten, I realize that all
my friends have a stable and strong relationships in their life, everyone had
their own target in life and they are successful and satisfied with their
target. I suddenly realize that a few weeks ago, I had already plan the way of
life I want to be and how to aim for my target, but things seem differently
when I realize I stop down and think about it. I had missed her, but I could
not do anything, I had choose this road, this was the choice that I had done in
the past and slowly, I feel that I had done the wrong decision, but I always
give myself a reason that it was only for her own good. Slowly, I think deeper,
was that true? Or was I the one who say it because it actually was for my own
good only?? There are so many questions in my mind but I always seem to escape
from it and only giving the blame to others. I had promised her to be forever
and I had failed to do so….and I had break the promise again...I thought I
would forget her in time but it wasn’t..I had never forgotten anyone at all…Mistake
is reform again and again but I never change or try to fix the mistake. I had
never forget her but she had forgotten me, this was actually part of the story
line that I had come across, being a jerk and someone that I had never used to
be was a not an easy role to play on because you will feel the regret but you
knew that it had to be done. I escaped a lot from my mistakes and putting the
blame on others because I do not have the courage to face it. Love can
complicate in times, if only you knew how to fix it and do it by your heart, if
you love someone deeply, you would not want to hurt her but I had hurt her and
slowly I realize that I was doing the same actions that what my previous
relationships had done to me. I feel so bad and I should not have done it,
because if you repeat the same actions that had caused to you, she or he will
definitely repeat your same actions to the others. I think over some time, I
felt that my LOVE had become HATRED and I never knew that I would change into
that. Anyway, I realize that nowadays my temper had become worst each day,
because I had some things that I could not let down, I feel so frustrated but I
never tend to tell anyone, I always like keeping the problems to myself, I
never try to let go of it and just walk on. On 26/03/2011-27/03/2011 , I
realize that my junior school friends were not actually not that hard to
communicate as I used to think in the past, it was my own problem that I never
talk much to them, or just that I do not know how to communicate with them and
it was own communication problem. Then I slowly realize that some of them are
really meant to be really good friends because they won’t backstab you but they
would give you suggestion and tend to help you out if you are in trouble, but I
never put that trust in the past, slowly now, I let go of the past and put the
trust and it really work out because I had put wall between the communication.
Last night, I was so frustrated that I had sent a message to a friend and
scolded my friend. I didn’t why I had cared so much and but people had no wrong
at all because we are just normal friends. The time I am typing this blog, I
slowly felt wrong of my doings because I should not had sent that message, I
could just ignore it but there is always a small hole in my mind that kept me
thinks of it. I think I could just let it be because I do not deserve
forgiveness for this message.

Today, was the day that I was in
need to take tour and guide the tourist going to Melaka, a town full of my past
memories that had been started, and it wasn’t long at all. I had been to the
places that I used to be with her and I took a lot of pictures but every
picture was just scenery of a blank space that I used to appear together with
her in picture frame. I still remember the times that I had with her and the
places and each corner I was with her. We used to walk together and holding
hands together and I felt the warmth from her that she always control of my
eating habits and I was always making fun of her and telling her silly jokes, and
hearing her snoozing noise when she was sleeping around my shoulder and chest.
I still remember the time that I could not sleep well at night because of her
snoozing noise that the next morning, she went to toilet and I quickly ran into
the room and continue my sleep in the room because I was so tired that I could
not open my eyes and she waited me outside the room. She never came in because
the room was also occupied with other people but she had her full sleep but I
did not. After some time, I went to a place to eat Satay Celup, and I realize
that it was the same place I had been with her, and the same place I had sat
and her sitting next to me. I still remember the incident that happened. She
looked at me and say to me, “Don’t eat so much de…” but I told her “Okok..” but
I still continue to eat, because I like the food and I still remember the every
food she choose to eat and suddenly I had followed her and I realize that it
was tasty but everything came into a blank screen because I looked back up and saw
she wasn’t there anymore for me, because I had asked her to leave me and it had
happen in the end.

Asking her to leave is wrong
decision but the decision had been made, in the end, I knew that every time I
made upon a wish on my birthday for someone to be happy and found her true
love, it really came true and I saw that everyone of them really did found one
and it was way better than me, I never denied that they could do better than me
but I could not do better because I had not overcome my fears and I do not have
the courage. No matter how many things had happen in the past and I had done,
it wasn’t any good or bad at all because that was not the things to be concern
on, it only matters on how you look on yourself and do you think that was it
right or wrong. In the past, I would think of myself great and never really
realize the wrong that I had been doing, but slowly I realize it and I started
to change because I slowly realize that I was being ugly. After watching “Beastly”,
I found that I had some things that I had in common, because of being ugly; I would
only open my eyes to see the people around me and realize the mistakes that I had
done so much. Everyone has a second chance but if the second chance you had
never appreciated it properly then it would end up in the trash. “Love was
never ugly” & “I had seen something uglier than that”… When love comes,
ugly was never anymore ugly and because you do not really mind about the ugliness
of the outer part but you appreciated the kindness in heart.

What I See and Experience...

In my dreams, I had always wanted to stay inside the dream because everything was perfect being inside and everything was in order as you had wanted but things seems to be different in the real world because everything was in reality and everything has to work hard for it. Even though how hard you had work hard on something, it might not come to you yet because of your sins that you had done in the past that had given you chance to change but a price to be paid. I believe in karma and i do believe what you had done now either good or bad , you will be rewarded someday in a price to be paid. During the Chinese New Year holidays, I went up the hill in the Cameron Highlands, I love the enviroment over there and maybe because of the clear and country side of the enviroment I would felt relieved and so comfortable in the enviroment that I would wanted to stay there, but only a minor of time , you are needed to get out from the happy and comfortable place and return back to the reality of hardworking and evilness of the city.


Days are not long, but I seemed to fall in love with the enviroment, i feel more secure in that type of enviroment but I still like being with a laptop that I could connect to the Internet and browse thru the websites while enjoying the cooling enviroment. In life, when I was a child, I would always pretend to be coming from a weathy family but when i start to grow older and starting to think about the reality, i realise that everything was just a dream at the child stage, because I starting to feel the tiredness and difficulties in life. I also realise that each relationships I had in the previous years was actually that I was playing myself all the way around. Things might get funnier when you think back in the years and the silly things you had done all the way long. That is what life are meant for as everything was eventually experiences that you got but no other people might able to feel it because you are being yourself, your mind, your soul , everything was your doing at all the time. I would always think that I would only do things for people but i never think of the reward but actually I wasn't because slowly, now , and i realise actually I do want the reward, and slowly, i realise that I am a very greedy kind of person that always like to take the pity but I never really work for it. Friends are always away from me even since I was a child, I got no real true friends to be around with, not like I seen some friends that actually had any problems in their life, but there are always a friend behind to back them up. I didn't realise that some of my thoughts would hurt people or even really help but I would try to learn and correct my mistake. No one will be perfect and so do I. I had less friends, but I tend to enjoy the single guy life, I didn't know why but I tend to be alone and do things in my way, mabye because of family interference, or mabye not. One thing that I remember is that, even since I was a child, I had been alone all the way long, playing games and facing the computer or TV and the reflection are always myself sitting there alone and enjoying the time. When I read novels or story books or even video games, i tend to read or see about friends bieng together and alway enjoying life together.  I do not have friends and I admited that. Friends would not understand me because if they would, they would not leave me alone but since then I had never trust friends so closely.

 Flowers may represent alot of times that I had in the past, when I saw this flower, i would think of her, in the past that I always thought that I had given the best and everything just for her. Actually, I was greedy and selfish and I never really think about someone feeling and the fact is that I want her to be in my arms forever, but fate didn't came and I got what I should deserve, only can see far distance with her happiness that she really had. This reminds of the first love that I had but until the final stages, I couldn't forget her because of first love will be always the most memorable in life. This love although doesn't represent any special occasion or any redecoration , but the flower itself shows the pure and very genuine love life in my life and my thoughts. I would eventually wanted to return back to time to be with her but everything is too late, because I had once done bad before and I only knew that this would be my reward that I had done in the past.
Love only hurts a bit but you can see people smiling then it is worth it.

In this love life of the flower, it may look sharp with the thorns, and it really are sharp indeed, as I knew that I and her was in different world but I force myself to be in that world, but finally the hurting will only be me and I didn't get anything in return but I think it is worth it because I had tried my best but I couldn't hold her on. In this lesson, I had learn alot and realise that I always run from problems and I always find the excuse to run away from the truth. Even though that I had been hurt deeply in this relationship, but I had learn that, being good to someone might always be the better way because love life should be share among each other, and i meant of the both the couples itself. People around the world would had the same thorn in pains but some are happy with it and they had lived with for ages and ages. I couldn't bear the pain anymore and I decided to let out the hand, because I couldn't bear to see her sad anymore because I was there blocking her happiness and  I can't bear to watch her escape from me everything she saw me. I think I would choose the way of leaving instead. This requires courage and intension of doing so because not everyone would wanted it to be that way. When you learn to love someone, you had to learn to let go....

This flower might be best for me, but I had let it down, it is a beautiful flower that everyone would want it for but I had never care about the feelings of the flower and I never actually gave myself the chance to learn to give. In this relationship, I realise that I couldn't bear the pain that I had in my previous experience and finally I decided to let go and even though the flower had never gave up on me, but I choose to gave up at last, I remember the last talk with her was on texting, I wrote something awful but I didn't know why I had did it, maybe because of jealously and anger? I feel that I had both the actions because I really do care about it but in the end, i satisfy myself with only the words, "It's for her own good...she doesn't need to be good to me and I am not worth it..." I always listen to songs to try to get myself to sleep but each time I does that, I would search a sad song rather than a happy song and I felt that it is better for me and experience someone's sadness and regretness that they had done for me. The flower is pretty but I had gave up on it. I felt bad for myself and I knew a karma would appear in my doorstep not long. I knew that what I had did right now will be my reward on the later on time. I knew that nothing would be perfect for me because I tried not to think of perfectness and I never wanted to hope for. I just want a easy life and someone to communicate with but its hard for me to find that someone. When I try to text someone and try to talk to, I will be afraid that I am disturbing that someone. So sometimes I choose to backward the text and put down my phone and leave it aside and try to listen to songs. Sometimes I would also lay on the bed and close my eyes so that I would not think so much but tears would suddenly appear and not because I am sad but because I am alone. Alone is always a word for me but I never try work out for and repair it. I always try hard to built up myself in studies and work. Sometimes i gained claps from good remarks but I don't think I had deserve it yet because I think I still need improvement and I am learning on and on. In this silent night, I am facing again the computer and on my phone that always had my own reflection of myself but no answers or light appearing. In the previous times, I always wish of full moon appearing in the sky and on the night of romance, but everything I saw the full moon appearing, I would think that had the chance of being with pink pretty flower but this time, it doesn't turn out that way because fate had came upon on me and taken the things from me and giving it to someone who really would appreciate it. Life is full of suprises but maybe in my time of life, I would think of it as a bad luck and sadness, or mabye the LORD wanted me to learn and fix my mistakes and my wrongs in the young life and later on the older life to gain the comfort. I do belive in LORD, but in the same time, life and actions are human life and they work out for it. LORD may only be the guide line in the lights but on the journey it was us who choose our path of being someone.  

I had always to eat and this was one of my favourite foods that I had in Cameron Highland, "Fried Potato's" it look so delicious at the first sight, and that tempts me to go for it, I ask about the price and it was indeed cheap and quickly I brought it and try a piece of it. It was so delicious and it is one type of the food that I would hunger for~

<<<<<<<<<<< HoneyComb~ A real honey comb got from the bees..... The thing might be even worst than a chewing gum because I had put inside my mouth for an hour but I still can't melt the thing! Anyway, the honey is so sweet and I quite like it~ Life is to enjoy~ Sadness will come on the way, and mountains are higher each time you climb, but nothing can stop you from going up because you follow your own instinct on going all the way up, but there are always a pit stop to let you cool down because on the way, you might find someone on your side and they needs your help, stop down and help because you had a pure heart and full of helpness to be given out. I had stop down and help and even though it's a devil that you had helped, you should be glad because you had done it in a pure heart but not devil heart. Life may be hard in times but you must on to gain the experience. Sometimes experience not always be the good thing but you must learn to accept. Accepting will give you more knowledge and you will know how to step on the new steps that are coming in your way. Sharing is good in life because sharing the kindness and happiness in life. I had always love you from the start but fate has not come yet or because I am not ready yet. I would wish everyone a happy life and good luck in the relationships. Wishing other people luck doesn't meant that i need a reward in return. I am giving it on the air and everyone around me. I wish you would not met someone like me that would hurt you and being a coward because you are not worth being treaten that way. I will correct my mistakes in this life and I couldn't be perfect but I will be the best of myself. ^_^