Thoughts

Thoughts

Yesterday, I had a sense that something is not going alright, and it gives me the feeling of fear. My right eye blink and something not good will be happening and something I will lose something. This makes my mood to change, that I can’t concentrate properly on the things I am doing. There is always lot thinking on my mind. I feel so tired of thinking but things are just always there appearing. Some things are never mend to be changed. A lot changes had been happening around me and this was the life I had choose. Every time a new happen, I learn something from it and I tend to lose the wonderful things that had once happen to me. There are things that you are required to let go because when things had already happen and began, it means there will be an ending and the ending might never turn out to the story that you had ever wanted.

I always think and think but I knew that I had already choose my choice that I should not had feel regret. Things might turn out to be better in such a manner. Although things are not the way that I would want it to be, but anyway it turn out to be something better and at least I know that I think I had made a good choice. I had been still in thinking that whether that was I feeling cold or was the room filled with air condition cold. I kept my laptop on my lap while typing on the bed. When I look over on the side of my bed, I used to feel something warm and though of something but time seemed to be changing as I started to feel it was getting colder and colder. Alone in the room with my bed and just a laptop on my lap. Listening to the songs that was being played on my desktop and hoping for something miracle to happen but it did not. I knew how miracles works and it wasn’t for me because I am not that lucky but someone out there might need it.

I think I would just give that luck out so that someone who really needs it will get it have a miracle on them. Although I had a hard time on my life, but I had never try to give it up because I know that this was a journey that I should proceed on and although it takes times and bitter along the way. It is worth it and I knew that hard times will be paid off someday. I will feel very envy to some of my friends but although I feel that way, I try to improve myself and get on that. I always tell myself that if I do not have a big head, do not wear a big hat for me. Just wear something that will only fit into my small and average head. I could not sleep on the night because I was thinking and thinking. Lot things came into my mind and I think I really need a break time and the only way to solve it was that I could over the world and go somewhere that had beautiful beaches and full of quiet and clean.

Days are getting nearer and nearer. Things are getting tougher each time I encounter but more new things I was learning. Even though you could see me and you realize that I change, will you notice about me? Or just maybe thinks about me? ..............

Emotion

Emotion

Recently, it has been a hard time
for me, I feel very tired and sometimes things always give me to think a lot. I
think now I starting to have family problems. Everything seems so difficult to
me. Although it’s hard but I still have to go on. I always thought of having
everything perfectly running on life style but actually it wasn’t because the
real training has just begun. I only can express my emotions in the words but
never in the real world. I had stay away from my own family for almost a year
and so. I never expected much from what I had gain during all this month’s
being a parted. It wasn’t hard at all because I was used to it during my
childhood.

In life, the young ones must bear
the older responsible such as taking care of them and taking over their debts.
It was because the older ones are the debt that they used on the young ones but
sometimes they are not. The older ones use the debt as their own luxury and let
their young ones to take care of it as it was their own responsible. I had to
take care of their debt and be responsible for it. Although it may difficult in
time but I have to bear the responsible. When I started that I would wish to
continue to study and being falling in love with study because I would like to
gain more knowledge and a higher degree. It was the time that I had to choose
to fall on the ground once again. No matter how much you love something but it
may not be yours as you would imagine. Everything has been taken away from you
as it only left is responsible that wasn’t meant to be yours.

In life, I always would want to
share my burden with someone so that I can tell her that I am tired and I need
some hug. It would not happen at all because I am being alone that I could not
find anyone to talk to. That is what my life should be, although it was lonely
but the days I encounter was the real fact that I am facing right now. I feel
so tired that I would just want to stay in dream land and everything went well
but it will not happen because one day I have to wake up and face the reality
world. A room that I stay was an empty room with no emotion and grey walls without
any open windows that only stored darkness and loneliness inside the room.

When I was driving on the way to
work, I always had an empty heart in me. A feeling that I had always felt
lonely and something that takes away my happiness. Sometimes I always had the
feeling of bitter in heart that fears my tears falling down from my eyes but I always
kept them dry and stopping it from dropping even though the feeling is
difficult. I starting to feel very lonely and very left out in my own world. I
feel the fear and loneliness in the world and even though that I had some
friends around me but everything was different because of the feeling that I wanted
to tell someone something and I could not do that because no one will tend to
listen to my speech.

The days that each day passes gives
me sadness and only a burden to me. When I walk around a night market and I always
carry around my back a bag that is filled with my stuffs. I always felt so
heavy but I always told myself, the burden that I carry now was not that heavy
because my life burden is even heavier than I am carrying right now. I do not
have someone to care about me. I can see the path that I am taking and it was a
long road without any companions. I starting to control my tears and I starting
to stop the tears from falling but I could not stop my heart from crying. I
wanted to tell her about my problems and my burden but I could not do that. She
will have no interest on me because I knew the truth and I know it will end
that way. I always predicted the future and it really happens. I always choose
the way of breathing in deeply then letting it out slowly and I always saw
myself doing that when I face sadness and loneliness on my own. When I meet my
family while working, I will feel embarrassed that how my family talks and
giving me something to bear the responsible. They never really care about how I
felt but only will think that they are always right. In times, everything may
not be the way it should be.

I think there is someone that has
the same feelings like me in this world that is around the world. Someone that
faces the same problem and seeking someone that would really listens to them. Being
a cancerous in the horoscope may have a very nice heart and a strong one but in
the other side; they are alone and always putting the trouble and things into
their own world. I love to help people when they needed help but when it was my
turn that needed help no one turn up and I was alone there facing the problem
and solving it all the way by my own. Sometimes promises are just a lie and they
will forget about that promises that they had made in the past. It was true
indeed but I never blame anyone because I had done my part and I had never tended
to break the promises that I had made. At least I know that I had really made a
real promise and I knew myself had protected that promise very well indeed. I
think may be in the future, I might had forgotten that promise but I don’t I would
because I always put that in mind.

Loving you in the past may be my
best luck in my life but because having you as my partner in the past was my
happiness that I had. Although love may fade away very quickly on you to me but
I had never fade away the love that I had for you. I choose another way of
putting that into the promises so that it would not fade away even though I know
it will be useless and everything won’t be the same anymore. Being your friend
was something the least I could do. My heart may look strong on outside but it
is very weak on inside, it is breaking the every moment I am think about it.
Secrets are never mended to be told but some secrets are always mend to remain
secret and always being the heart of someone that you must protect. Do you ever
think about me and ever thinks of me of being on your side because I am being
there for you? Or was I just an illusion that appears whenever you needed me?
Nothing will be the truth because everything was fate. A fate that appears to
be there but a transparent wall is over there, that you could only see her but
she may never see you. The truth only lies between the words.

The Timing

The Timing

Words and texts always appear in my mind. A lot had happen lately, lot things that I had never
think of it before. Sadness and happiness in the past had always been a past. Strengths
that I had now were never perfect. Loving someone and telling someone you like
her/him is always about timing. Timing is very important as it will conclude
the time that both the couple will be ending in what kind of time. Some people
may have the perfect timing and always ended up in the old couple age. It seems
that my timing was not perfect because I got nothing yet. Loving someone doesn’t
mean it must be together but only hopes for another to be happy.  I had always thought my timing was right but it wasn’t because I always didn’t have the lucky charm around me.

A lot had happen during this one month time. I learn a lot from my work. I always thought
that my aims and directions are correct but I knew myself was easy being
corrupted by someone. It was my weakness, I always like to care for someone
else feeling but I never really care about my own. Actually, I should be happy
because I had everything that I needed at the moment. Although some things I wanted
that it was not there for me. I should not be greedy and just be grateful of
things I had. I love to study but sometimes there are times that what you
really wanted to do and it will be an obstacle to block you from getting it. I
try to learn my hard times by working harder and better so that I can achieve
what I would really want.

It seems that I am missing something in my life. I miss the times that someone would
really care for me when I needed the most. I shouldn’t think of that phrase of
word. The choice and timing was I am who chooses it. Regrets were never to be hearing
from myself because I choose it. In the reality world, I had always wanted a
message coming from my phone that someone I really missed would come in but it
never did. Time changes and everything is not there anymore. Lies of happiness
in my mouth had always been appearing because I never wanted someone to
understand the true of myself.

In my dreams, I had always dream about a girl, but I never knew who was her. She was
nor ugly or pretty but just a perfect girl that I would be interest in. She was
kind in my dreams. She takes cares of me. I always fall for the same dream but
always in a different scenario. I could not remember how she looks like but I just
knew that I like her. Each time my dream was coming into an end, I always had
blank and black mind. I could not remember everything but I knew the feeling
was sad and only disappointment that my heart feels. I think I had fallen in
love with my dream world because everything was running smoothly even though
when time ends it will hurt a bit.

In reality, I learn a lot that giving up is not the choice of me. I will struggle on and
try my best even though I had failed many times. I try to be humble because I know
I should. People out there may be better and a lot better than me but it seems
that I am afraid of it. I miss someone very badly but I could not tell her
that. She doesn’t have the feelings for me. I am only an ordinary guy from some
part of the earth. I wanted to talk with her and having jokes around with her.
I would want to see her laughter and her beautiful smile around her cheek. I
couldn’t do that because I do not have the courage to do that. I can only think
of it but can never ever tell her that.

I feel alone in the path that I was walking towards the road that I am going.
Everything was done alone by me and I had no companion towards my path. I saw
only dark and the path is getting darker and colder in the way. Although it was
dark, I found some sticks and I had struck against one the sticks to build a
fire and show a light towards the darkness. It is very cold indeed but my stick
lit with the fire gives me bit warmth that I needed it most. Although it may
been alone all the way towards the path but I gained independent from the
lessons I had learn. I knew that I am from a different world that comparing
with hers. It was ok because I could see her in distance but she never saw my
tears and the sadness that had been appearing on my face.

I am feeling sad but the only thing I could do is try to wipe off the tears and stop
myself from falling tears from my eyes. Although it may be hard for me to
counter this fear but I had to go on with it. I had never tried to ask whether I
could be your man and I would want to protect you. I never did because I knew I
could not do it because I had fears. I like to hide myself from others because I
never tend to let them know how I felt. I only show a face that I am happy and
there is nothing wrong. Hiding my emotions is the best thing I can do.

I remember something about you. When I first saw you, I think I had liked you and I would want
to know you. I feel the feeling is different but I never hope for it because I do
not have the luck anymore. Last time, I would have the courage but because I felt
that I am uglier now and I lost my confidence on myself. I don’t dare tell
anyone about my secret that I was thinking. I didn’t want anyone to know about
it. Loving someone is easy but when you knew that you had really fallen into
the love, you feel hurt and you had hard time getting out of that place. No
matter how much you had placed your feelings in the past but it doesn’t mean
you need the repay from her/him. Love someone is being humble and generous and
without any repay. I think I choose that way and now my past, I never expected
a repay or anything. I just hope that they are happy and that is enough for it.

Running towards the path, because you foresee a thing that you must do but the thing doesn’t
belong to you. If it was yours then it will be yours but if it wasn’t then no
matter what you do, it will never be but you will only hurt yourself even more.
I always put a smile for myself when I am feeling hurt. I remember every time
when something hurts me deeply, I will only put a smile and say “Oooo…its ok…” then
I will inhale a deep breath and let go. I had tried to hold on before but I fear
the hatred you would give me. I never want to leave but I try to respect your
decision and I accept the truth. I knew you never had feelings for me anymore
because we are now far away from one another planet. We are so far away that I can
still see you but we are never in contact anymore.

The story of Alex, has the ending part, Alex was awaken from his dreams. He saw himself
on the bed, laying there and everything was just white. Alex talked to himself,
“Where am I? Why am I here? Why everything is just white? “, then a voice
responded, “You had an accident and we are sorry to inform you that your eyes
are damaged…We had did our best…”, then Alex kept quiet and say nothing but
only sitting on the bed while putting his hand on his eyes. Then a gentle voice
appears, “Alex…Don’t be sad…everything is alright...”, then Alex said, “Who are
you??”, then the gentle voice replies, “My name is?????................

The accident has cause illusion to Alex and things went back to the past that had everything
was just a dream.