Raining..

It was another night that outside is still raining. I got home early today but todays the stuff doesn't seem to work out right. My initial plan was to get a new device but it doesn't seem to work out as planned. Colleagues doesn't seem to be well cooperative, but last of all. The important people doesn't care much. I always having bad communication with people and I always do mistakes. I sometimes ask myself, "Don't you feel lonely every time you are home?". Honestly, I do feel lonely and sad when I got into my room. I see the four pillars of wall looking at me. I feel that I am always alone in this world.

My phone are most of the time silent because there are no calls or messages came thru. Some times this type of loneliness will end up to be emotional. I always see people happy and when I look back at myself, I see myself in the mirror only. I doesn't seem to be important anymore, I felt cold and emptiness in my world. My heart always felt cold because I feel heart break. Life will never go back but only go forward. I alway thinks of running away from this world and start a new life in some place that I am new to it and as long as things from the past are gone.

Waiting for the reply but still no answer, thinking a lot of different things but I never knew the answer. I think someday I will scare you off. My heart doesn't feel well but I just to accept it.

Chapter 1 : The meet up

It was just another ordinary for me, every year, during my birthday. It was just another loneliness day for me, I never had someone to be with during my birthday. I was working on that particular day. Soon, a gang of youngster came over to the place where I was working. It was birthday celebration for one of their friends. I see the joy and I felt envy, I did not have friends celebrating my birthday with me because I am different.

I was like usual doing my own stuff and suddenly someone came to me and ask me about the gadget. I was surprised and I start to explain the powerfulness of the gadget, soon I gave her my name card so that she could contact me if she wanted to buy the gadget. Then she went back to her seat, they started to sing birthday songs and I felt happiness for people because they have friends together and I do not have.

Soon, not long she contacted me and told she decided to purchase the device. I knew she was tall and I was small and plum. I knew it was a big difference.

Story,Chapter 1 : Meet up.

ABC君

I know how it feels to be left out..I know the feeling when someone doesn't treat you like they used to be..I am not important anymore..Slowly..I am gonna be a bystander..You don't realize I am there..You have your friends but not me..I am just a burden that would stop you from getting the things you want..

You can just go off like that without thinking of me being there alone..You can do that by just leaving me..You might not left a tear because you have made your decision by leaving..People like me are just being stupid, I knew the outcome but I never gave up..You might have gave up on me because you choose to do so..

My story begins..

Heart and Feeling

Its a cold morning and yet I did not see the reply from the message..

Time just passed that way..thought she would be happy but it doesn't seem that she is happy in front me but to her friends.

I had this feeling once before in the past..things are just being colder for me but I didn't spoke out..because I just want to keep it to myself..

I have been working very hard to earn more money..but she doesn't seem to see it through me..I know that I could not do much to please u..but I just tried...

Cold is a feeling of loneliness for me but it seems that I am used to it..I know what would be happen in future and I am starting to be well prepared for it..

I always take a deep breath and will think about it that was it my own problem that I did not do well enough or was it fate that I had encountered..

My heart for her is first but its an opposite for her heart to mine. Relationship are balance and I think I had just gave too much..I am stupid but I am real..

I will just keep this cold to myself..although it is getting colder and colder..but my heart is still pumping..

Thinking...

It's been some time that I felt myself is useless because I could not give much for her..I felt that whatever I do, the distance are going further a bit..I might been thinking too much..but based on the experience that I had encounter..It was happening again..

I tried not to think about the problems but it doesn't seem to go away from it..I wanted to give you everything to be perfect but things doesn't seem that way..I felt rejected..it was just yesterday night..

I thought going her place, she would be glad but she doesn't seem to be happy or maybe it's because she is tired and wanted to take rest. I thought that so, I waited for her to wake while I was by her side watching the tv...Soon..she woke up and she ignored me and then I knew her expressions is to ask me go back because it's late..

So, I just go back and soon she told me she was outside with her friends..drinking..she choose to be with her friends rather than me..I didn't say much but she doesn't seem to care much but just continue enjoying herself with her friends..

People will change and they will start forget about your priorities when friends to them are more valuable and fun..Felt hurt but could not do anything...I never told anyone of my stories because I felt people have their own stories..

My story is a never ending story..Life are never to be perfect..I wanted to talk her about my problems but I do not think she would want to hear because it will just give her a burden so I kept the unhappy moments to myself..I always tell people to be truthful but I wasn't truthful..We always find reasons to cover our mistake but we never tend to think how we could learn from our mistakes..

Loving someone may be easy but when you are trying to do something to let her know that you tried to accomplish something because she would be happy for it and she does not give any response would be the most hurtful moments..You tried so hard but she didn't really feel that it matters to her so much..

I can see the future and knew things are going so well but I tried to think positive and gives hopes and try to prevent the problems from happening..Love is two person in relationship world but my love life seem to be in two different world..When I close the lights in my room, I would think of her whether she is happy or not..but I don't she knows it..

I miss you...

Soon, you will forget me one day..I will just be a nobody to you..if it happens, I just hope I will get amnesia..at least I won't know what had happened between us..

Drunk

It was just yesterday when I finally got drunk. I did not drink as much as yesterday. I was frustrated and start to continue drink non stop. I puke two times when I went into the toilet. I knew that I wasn't feeling that well anymore.

People say liquor will help people to get to sleep easily, I was doing that to myself because I want to get to sleep as soon as possible.I did not want to think other stuff.

It was a night where things seem to be going back to the start where I am alone in the bar. I know that I am thinking too much but I have feelings too but my feels are too fragile. It is easy to get broken but not easy to heal.

I could still woke up early to work and continue with my own stuff. I tried very hard to focus on the job because I need the money badly but these two days. It did not happen and I could not get any sales.

2013 Changes

2013

2013 is a new year and some changes that I need to make. But there are some changes in life that is happening as well. Life is difficult and confusing but I just kept the unhappy moments to myself.

Things are not like it used to be. People will start to change but whether people are changing or is me is changing, we won't be sure. I am sure that I did not change my way to love someone deeply but I am trying to change the way I act. I tried very hard to improve myself but it doesn't seem to get your attention.

Experienced from previous relationship is a lesson but these lessons are scars that is left in the heart. Things are easy to predict and silence is expected to be happen, no one is perfect and it goes same back to me.I might not be the as good as anyone that she see or meet but I just trying my best. Relationship may seem to be a stress for people but its a relationship that helps us to express our feelings towards everything we see.

Loving someone is easy but starting to forget someone that loves u deeply is a silence pain to the person. Most important, LOVE is like a snow, when it snows, it looks beautiful but when it is too cold..it gives u feel loneliness when you are alone...

I lost faith on myself, but I did not up give up relationship, I may seem to be 3th in your mind but you are my 1st in my mind. If losing me will give you happiness..it seems to be fair because a balance that I get the hurt but exchanging a happiness..I know that it seems to be a time bomb, the clock starts to count..

Only writting blog will let me thinks of what I wants to say but never be the full sentence of it. It would be only partial of it. I know you would not able to read this because I know you wouldn't have the chance to see it because u will never open this blog.