It's been a long time

It's been a long since I felt the sadness...I am happy for her that she finally found someone else that can be with her.. I myself got a partner with me, but things just didn't seem to be okay for me. I am still feeling the anger and I force myself to avoid from them. I just can't accept the fact that I can see them. I ran off and I start to write this blog. I love writing blog as I could able to release my feelings and thoughts in my mind. I didn't like to tell my story to people because it wasn't any good to say it. I just hope this feeling will just disappear. I think I am just being too foolish, but people have feelings and that's who I am. I have a soft heart and sensitive, at least I know that I care to know about someone else feelings. I don't love her anymore but I just can't accept the fact. I have seen many and been to many relationship but this relationship is the one that I could not let go easily.

Day 21 September 2013,

The day that everything should be going thru...I had put efforts on myself to work better but every time I failed to do so. There is always a reason that why am I not improving. I know exactly the mistake but I keep on making the same mistake over and over again. I hate myself for that because I have made the same mistake. I wasted my time in this unnecessary thoughts and I hate myself doing it. I realize that I love to write and especially in English. I like to write and read books. It's always calm myself down. I still remember reading a book on how to forget your EX. I spend USD49 for the book and it really help me a lot because I realize the mistake I had done and what is the reason of the relationship failed. Listening to songs are one of the best past time for me, it not only calms me down but also help me to understand that I had done my best. I should focus on my future because I must not fail again.

Time 08:54PM ,

This is the time that everything starts to change even though I had tried my best. If the past doesn't go, then how does the new future comes in? I always like to be a good person because I like to do good deeds. I am someone who like to cares about other feelings but sometimes this is my weakness. It is time to go back but I just like to stay at a coffee shop and listening to my favorite songs. I have actually met someone that I knew that she could be with me till the end. She is the right one but it's just me with the silly mind.

習慣就好

Used to it then its enough...things become new and people will change..everything in life is different when each seconds passed. I know what I want to have and to live on. I have given up myself during the changing moments in life. I learn a lot of things from the ways I see things nowadays. I knew what type of guy I am towards my lifestyle..

I remember lots of stupid stuff I did in the past but thats how I learn to improve myself more. After the breakup, I look at the mirror and saw only myself standing there. I knew that people around me are just an illusion..they will never stick with you till the end no matter what happens..only a few that would help you thru but I have to help myself too..

I made a decision to stay outside because that would be the best way for me to let go..I didn't want to be friends anymore but just a long distance stranger..people leave me for a reason and I see clearly what is that..

Things will never be the same again and it will never be. I will find my own survival because no one will be there for u..I have to learn to survive by my own..

I promise myself the same mistake will never happen again because I always learn from my mistake..especially controlling my own mind..I have to focus on the things I need to achieve..

Accept the fate and fact that I am have to move on..

What are my feelings now..

I start to talk to her..but we didn't talk much..I don't know I still want to ask the questions..but I didn't hate her..I am not angry anymore..I just feel sad..not that I am want to stay together..I accepted the breakup story of me and her..I am actually back to myself that I used to be when I first met her..

I know its stupid of me but I just did it..I read the rules but I still breaks it..I went our anniversary lunch place..

I went to same cafe we had our anniversary for lunch. I sat back at the same place and same position facing her at her the same moment but she isnt there anymore.I ate the same dish when we are happily going thru the anniversary moment. But things is different because I am here alone by myself. I just want to feel back the moments me and her had before because it is one of our special moments. I even download the movie "The Vow" that she loves to watch at that time. It was a romantic movie that we both enjoyed it..

Things changed but my heart didn't change..

I bless her happy..that's all I could do for her..

I did not do stupid stuff anymore..because I just accepted it..my heart eventually didn't accept the lost but just learn to love and forgive..

Learn to forgive and let go of the anger

I had a dream this morning till afternoon during my sleep. I realized I did forgive you and myself. I am angry of you and myself. I read some articles and understand that, I should learn to forgive and let go of that anger. I didn't eat well and I skip almost every meal till I lost to myself for being a successful person. I forgive you my dear, I am not angry anymore because I learn to let go of that anger. I am apologizing to myself as well for being foolish. I am sorry to my body and soul that I did not treat them well because of my selfishness. I gonna treat my body and soul better. I will be a better one. I will continue to work hard and achieve my goals. I had step down for a month and I regret doing that. I am not being a man but I am being a man now. I have an important role to play now. I must not neglect this role. I am growing up to be a better man. Thank you dear for the lessons.

*p/s : I am gonna clean all my remaining shits..

Learning..

Tears are normal, anger is normal, feeling the pain is normal, wanting to talk about it incessantly with anyone who will listen is also normal, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve till you get to the stage of acceptance. That is when you will wake up and go to bed “pain-free”.

Losing a loved one through a breakup emulates the same sense of loss and grief as losing someone to death. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding happiness again.

There are stages of grief and all of us may go through each one of them or not, and the time we take in each stage also varies depending on our willingness to move on and our past experiences. Some of us may breeze through some stages, because in some way, we already went through them whilst STILL in the relationship.

Generally the five stages of grief are:

1-Denial-"this can't be happening” “ I don’t believe this”

2-Anger-"why me?", blaming!

3-Bargaining- this often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the partner who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning the loss of the person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control.

5-Acceptance-You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a relationship. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

BE VERY HONEST NOW:

How long were you in the relationship?

How many days were you angry and felt you would be better off alone, or wonder if you could change her or him? Threaten them into doing what you wanted? How many times did you cry or were you upset and dissatisfied with how things really were, out of the entire time?

How often were you drunk when you felt really happy with each other?

How many hours in a day were you truly satisfied and happy?

How much time did you say or think “this will get better”?

How intimate were you really towards the end of the relationship?

Physically? Emotionally?

How well did you communciate? How much did you really say and how much did you hold back?

How many times did you outwardly or inwardly complain about your partner?

Be truthful.

This is a very important step. If you need to, ask your closest friends and family members to help you remember and be truthful about the numbers here.

Finally you left the relationship. You knew you deserved better than just some fraction of what you wanted. But the attachment to your ex lingers. It lingers because you never succeeded in making him or her fulfill your needs completely. It feels as if you failed. You feel that somehow not getting what you wanted was your fault. If you were only good enough your ex would have given you the love you wanted, all of the time. After all, he or she did give it to you some of the time. If you were slimmer, fitter, not so controlling or jealous, if your mother was nicer to them, if you could cook better, if you had more money to spend on them, if you were smarter, better looking, if you gave more attention, smoked or drank less, dressed better, showed more respect, were more tolerant…

Another thing that keeps you hooked into that relationship is anger. Anger arises when someone has something you want but won’t give it to you, especially when the giving of the thing would seem to be the natural or the expected thing to do. You are justified in being angry, yet anger is a way to stay connected to someone, albeit not a positive way.

Thoughts of jealousy, that he or she will be with someone else faster than you have recovered and that the next person will “benefit” from all the stuff you taught him or her and they will give freely and quickly what you waited so patiently for them to give to you! That the new person better embodied the stuff that you believed he or she wanted in a partner.

This is where you have to be very positive and have utter faith in the Universe that the two of you were brought together to go through the learning and the evolution that you can only do in a relationship. As you may already know, it is in a relationship, more than anywhere else, that we can discover who we are. I seem to remember God telling Neale Walsch in one of the Conversations with God books, that the exquisite gem relationships have to offer is this ability to tell us who we are, and who we are not.

Our relationships, then, mirror back to us what we don't like about the way we think we have to be. The cosmic mirror reminds us what we don't like about what is going on in our life, and reminds us of what we are tolerating that we don't want to tolerate any more.

Those who are wise, when they come up against themselves in this way, ask the question "What is this uncomfortable situation telling me about me?" Those who are unwise ask the question "Why doesn't so and so change?"

So look at the relationship as a course or a workshop, where you got to learn certain things about yourself and KNOW that the learning is embedded in you.

Think of a time when you studied really hard for an exam in school, you learned and you know, however it is only when you read the question that your mind will go in and extract that particular answer, so even if you cannot identify or list all your learnings, know that you have learnt and when the time comes, you will act and come from a new place of “knowing”.

The next person in your life in an intimate relationship will be attracted to the “you post the ex”!

So, if you discover through common friends or facebook that he or she is seeing or committing to another person in a way that they did not do with you, bless them. You loved this person and to love means to truly want the best for the other person and for yourself. If you have ever sold a home, or a car, because you have out-grown it, does it mean that the house or car should remain unused in a museum? Do you want to be the eternal curator?

There is another reason why it’s hard to let go of the relationship that got away. The person you were in love with truly had great qualities. With him or her you had an incredible connection. Maybe he or she loved you intensely. He or she may still love you. The only problem in the relationship was that he or she could only treat you well part of the time. The rest of the time, he or she acted hurtfully towards you and you towards them.

It is very difficult to throw away this type of connection. And it is more difficult still when you interacted with the wonderful, caring side of him or her. Having to walk away from such a relationship can be the hardest thing you will ever do. Even when you walk away it may still pull at your heart.

It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear he or she doesn’t care about you. It may even be easier to let go of someone who dies, because there is nothing that can be done. But to let go of someone who is well and alive and loves you is an incredible task. Yet let go you must if the partner you are clinging to is not willing to meet your needs.

So how do you do this? How do you let go of the living, breathing former partner who may love you, or whom you may love, and yet who is not good for you? How do you let go of the one who seems to have been the one?

The first step is to understand that your partner would have given you the MOON if he or she could have. Even when he or she appeared to be holding back or hurting you on purpose, he or she was always doing the best he or she could. Understand that he or she never intentionally hurt you.

To let go of your past relationship, you will first need to forgive your ex, forgive yourself, and understand that his or her behavior was not your fault. Understand that all that he or she did, the good and the bad all together, comprise the totality of this person. Sometimes he or she was wonderful and sometimes he or she was horrible. And all of the time he or she was the person you cared for.

There is no way you could only have his or her good side. Because you were connected to the whole person, you had to experience the bad side as well. His or her bad side was hurtful, and in the end the bad outweighed the good. Since the bad side was a part of the package and could not be changed, the whole package had to go. Just like a doctor may recommend that you amputate a bad finger, instead of risking losing the entire hand.

You can’t stop thinking of your ex. You have to find other things to think focus on.

No Contact

Q. What is no contact.

A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex. 



Q. What is no contact for?

A. No contact is meant as the quickest means for you to heal.



Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?

A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life you are in for a rude awakening.



Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?

A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex. That means no calls, emails, text/sms, IM's - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach.



Q. What should I be doing during NC?

A. First off, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counseling, by all means go. 



Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her.

A. Unfortunately you already have. Clinging on to them or the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any Ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of a reconciliation, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them. 



Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?

A. No, not if you are still in love with them. For the most part Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string. All it will do is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex. 



Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do??

A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go work out. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out, don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Rest assured they are not sitting around with their new love wondering why you aren't calling them.



Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex.

A. Never be the first to contact your ex. If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, don't beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an a**hole is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose.



Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?

A. The question is why are they contacting you? If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them. No need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree with me on this, but I'm a skeptic. I want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed. 



Q. What happens if I break NC?

A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start all over. Don't believe me? Read through some of the 'I broke NC' threads. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. As "No Foolin" says, you can't handle what they have to say.



Q. What if I see them in public?

A. Read No Foolin's thread on NC (in my signature file). Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. You're doing great without them, even if you aren't.



Q. What if my Ex never contacts me?

A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realize the sooner you implemented NC and got on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole no contact deal is all about.



Realize that none of us are immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us that we carry on to the next relationship. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next.



Men say women are like buses, there is always another one coming around the corner. It's the same for women too. There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, healed yourself up, improved where you can and have imbedded the lessons of your past the better off you'll be for someone else.



Above all, never tell yourself "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are. Be the best you you can be. 



Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will likely happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to your Ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. To accept what has happened. To let go compeltely. 



To be free to love again.

Horoscope - Cancer

巨蟹很容易受伤，很容易自卑，很容易满足，很容易爱上一个人，很容易流泪，很容易……但是很难走出悲伤，很难忘记一个人，很难背叛友情和爱情，很难有心机，很难拒绝，很难对得起自己。巨蟹宁愿牺牲自己的利益都会保全他人的利益，巨蟹真的值得深交。

巨蟹天生就看不起人品不好的人，会离的远远的，虽然巨蟹有很多很多的缺点，但优点也是很多的，比如善良，有原则，不喜欢拍马屁讨好别人，不习惯说好话（把你当朋友的话往往会直言你不对的地方），巨蟹其实很看重面子，宁愿吃暗亏也不愿意丢脸

巨蟹讨厌虚伪，讨厌谎言，讨厌欺骗。其实巨蟹经常硬撑，即使一百个委屈，都习惯用自己的方式，独自一人承担。真正痛苦的候，其实没人看得见。他很注重公平。凡事都会分得清清楚楚，不会去占别人便宜。他非常重感情。只要他真心认定的朋友，都会真心对待。他清楚的知道爱什么不爱什么。

巨蟹座容易耳根软，容易有愧疚感。被普通的朋友缠多几句后，便会觉得不好意思、愧疚，如果不是什么大事往往会答应要求。但是面对熟悉的朋友会任性，如果不喜欢去做，即使是小事一件，虽然仍心存愧疚，也能轻易地说不。如果巨蟹对你说不，你应该高兴，因为他觉得你可以信任。


*True

She got a new one..

I knew this day would be coming..and I knew it would be fast..and it happens..slowly..I realize how stupid I am..yesterday was my last tears for her..because it was same day we officially broke up..yes..I feel sad and miserable but I should focus on my own stuff..she is gone with another guy which is way better then me..I could not afford her monthly money expenses..but the other guy could do it..I used to tell my friends, if a girl would go for guy that can give her money..those girls aren't worth it anymore..because she doesnt love you..

A friend told me, "You deserve better than this. Its not worth for your tears for her, is she who doesn't appreciate you."

I understand this sentences..since she went off with another guy..my heart broke into pieces..but I remember I said before..

"There is a legend that says on top of the mountain, there is a beautiful flower and its only one in the world. People said, a lot of people risked their life's to get the flower but all ended up in death. But one day, a guy that love the girl so much, he risked his life to get the flower. Then another girl ask his boy, would you climb up the mountain and get it for me. The boy replied no. Then the girl is sad with why doesn't the guy just said to impress her. Then the boy told the girl, I didn't climb up the mountain because I want to use my eyes to see you smile every single moment, using my nose to smell the nice perfume you always put, using my mouth to talk jokes to make you laugh, using my arms to hold you tight and carry you to the clinic when you are sick, using my legs to run to clinic when you sick or the moment you need me. But if someday, you love someone else and not me, and you are with him and not me anymore, then I will climb up the mountain to pluck the flower for you. The girl started to cry.."

I once told this to her..but she have already gone with another guy..I am back to alone status..I will go on with my life..I misses the days we had..when everytime she told me, I love you..and whisper in my ears..everything changes like that..from a lover to a stranger..

I had just ended part of my life that way..we have souls in our human body and I just lost one..the happiest soul is now a sad soul..waiting for time to recover..

I really hated you for being that way to me..after all the times we had..u said you trust me..you said you believe in me..but all is broken..

2012 Memories

2012 is one of the happiest year I ever I had but may also be the saddest year of my life. In 2013, she left me with a reason, she doesnt love me anymore..

I never thought things would go this way but it has gone this way..our distance separated us a long gap..that things can't turn back into happiness..

I have to accepted the fact that she doesnt love me anymore..I have already failed part of my life but I still have others to go on..loving someone is do easy but when letting go of someone is difficult..

My heart is broke into pieces once more..I used to have this kind of feeling..lost and loneliness..I never knew it came so fast..I wasn't well prepared with it..

No matter what I do, things are not gonna change..I read articles and listen to friends advice..but I am still the same..I have put too much effort on this relationship..I lost myself in this relationship..

I knew I can find myself back but time is healing slowly..because I really m hurt this time..

I can't blame no one because everything is reality..I blame myself for being stupid for continuing being a fool..

I never seems to be happy after that..because I lost my smile too..

Trying to let go

It has been days since I broke up with her..I am still in the unhappy condition..I still couldn't get myself back..I been trying to overcome that fear but it has just overtake me..

The only way for me to take off that fear is just time only that could heal me..big wound comes with a scar..I tried not to look into the online social network status because I fear or looking at her status..I have tried to control myself but stubbornness only controls me back..

I tried to be alone and not think about the things anymore..its hard for me but I gonna do it..I know the future and what it will happen next..but I could not control myself from not thinking it anymore..I already lost my soul..my active soul that i just to be..

Loving someone is too easy for hard to let go when the moment you think that she is the Mrs Right..anyway..things will go away soon if its not urs..mine has just gone away like that without any goodbye.

I lost her because I could not be the best..I could not even take care of her anymore..i am no longer the guy for her because she will get someone better than me and I know she would..

A sacrifice that I have to do in order to give her happiness..if pain can do that..I think I would choose that path..

A New Beginning..

A new beginning is a new start for me..I have already lost in the relationship, I have already got the answer..I know I tried to recover that relationship but it doesn't seem to work. I have failed, she doesn't want me anymore..I really do love her but everytime I will get distracted..I have actually tried my best to recover that relationship but I could not get it to be better but making things separated even more aparted..

Relationship is just LOVE..its like a snow..when its in stable condition, it looks very nice and beautiful but when it melts, it does not stop melting till it becomes water..waiting for her 3 years is like a challenge for me but I don't have courage to say that she will come back to me because I know it won't happen to me..

I didn't blame the god that I have this fate..but I blame myself for continuing being stupid..to think that things will change..I was different from last time..I could still able to do my work but after work, I slowly become weak because I know I don't dare to accept the truth..

I don't know what will happen in future but I only know that I need to grow stronger and more mature than before..我真的受伤了..

The same moment

It has been a few days after the breakup, I am still thinking about her. I doubt that she did not think about me anymore from the first day she had made her decision on the breakup. I felt myself worthless after my friends told me about what are girls in reality life. I felt that, I had lost and outdated myself in so many chances that I could do. I knew myself wasn't the real man after this relationship. I never knew that I would drop into the hole so deep that I could not have forgiven myself for continuing being stupid.

After the breakup, I only started to realize the mistakes that I had done. I also feel that I was not mature enough to do decision in the past but when I want to repair that mistake, it has been too late because the relationship has gotten worst and its too late to recover. Some people say, it won't be too late for anything if you just try to do it. 

Everything would change and you would not know it what would happen next. The past is just an excuse for me to remember and I would think that I had done a lot, but we can't use that to compare a relationship. I have tears but it dried up. I hear people say that drinking alcohol would help and I tried it. I drank almost every night after the breakup because I want to get to sleep so that I could not think about the breakup anymore. The answer is that, it did not help much but I just got worse because I was thinking it all the time. I had dreams about her because I really do miss that relationship but I could not do much about it anymore because I failed to do so. 

Today, I called her and I told that this would be the last call that I would made. I knew that she might be thinking I am stupid and not mature enough to think about what I am saying. I wanted to give myself a bottom line that, I am no longer in the relationship, I should kept a distance with her. I must not give myself any hope anymore because its not the same anymore. 

I must stand up from my fall and concentrate on the things that I need to focus on. I need to learn to be more mature in the things that I am doing now but not falling backwards. I will aim it for this year target to do so....  

Stupid

Why am I still being so stupid? Why do I have to care about it? I should not have care about it..but why did I? Why am I getting angry? I hate this kind of feeling..I am no longer a status anymore..I am just alone and only should care about myself..

I hate this type of being a nice person..I don't like to have this kind of feeling..I am always feeling uneasy on this...I knew outcomes and what's gonna happen next but I am just making a fool of myself again..

I wanted to let go of this feeling..I am feeling a lot of difficulty..I want to focus on my own stuff..I already knew the answer at the very beginning and I should have been prepared for it..

I want to climb out of the hole..I don't want to stay there anymore..why? Why? Why can't things get better for me? I have already done everything that I should do..I did not hide or lie..why?

Why can't it be fair for me to have a normal and stable relationship? Why can't I just live on a simple life..?

There are always questions but no answer..why do people like to appear and spoil everything?

大方

Watch "Alex Fong - Generous (大方) [MV]" on YouTube

ABC君

This song has been years but I still like it..the feeling that I am having now..

The End

The End! It just ended that way. The time bomb exploded...

Time Bomb

Its just a time bomb..you predicted what would happen in the future. You know you gonna be sad and hurt but you insisted on that answer and go for that choice. You are stupid..The pain in the heart is getting painful then usually...you listen the laughter by other people to you..you close your eyes and dare not to look into the reality..I realize something is that, love someone doesn't need to say I love you but accept their weaknesses..

Raining..

It was another night that outside is still raining. I got home early today but todays the stuff doesn't seem to work out right. My initial plan was to get a new device but it doesn't seem to work out as planned. Colleagues doesn't seem to be well cooperative, but last of all. The important people doesn't care much. I always having bad communication with people and I always do mistakes. I sometimes ask myself, "Don't you feel lonely every time you are home?". Honestly, I do feel lonely and sad when I got into my room. I see the four pillars of wall looking at me. I feel that I am always alone in this world.

My phone are most of the time silent because there are no calls or messages came thru. Some times this type of loneliness will end up to be emotional. I always see people happy and when I look back at myself, I see myself in the mirror only. I doesn't seem to be important anymore, I felt cold and emptiness in my world. My heart always felt cold because I feel heart break. Life will never go back but only go forward. I alway thinks of running away from this world and start a new life in some place that I am new to it and as long as things from the past are gone.

Waiting for the reply but still no answer, thinking a lot of different things but I never knew the answer. I think someday I will scare you off. My heart doesn't feel well but I just to accept it.

Chapter 1 : The meet up

It was just another ordinary for me, every year, during my birthday. It was just another loneliness day for me, I never had someone to be with during my birthday. I was working on that particular day. Soon, a gang of youngster came over to the place where I was working. It was birthday celebration for one of their friends. I see the joy and I felt envy, I did not have friends celebrating my birthday with me because I am different.

I was like usual doing my own stuff and suddenly someone came to me and ask me about the gadget. I was surprised and I start to explain the powerfulness of the gadget, soon I gave her my name card so that she could contact me if she wanted to buy the gadget. Then she went back to her seat, they started to sing birthday songs and I felt happiness for people because they have friends together and I do not have.

Soon, not long she contacted me and told she decided to purchase the device. I knew she was tall and I was small and plum. I knew it was a big difference.

Story,Chapter 1 : Meet up.

ABC君

I know how it feels to be left out..I know the feeling when someone doesn't treat you like they used to be..I am not important anymore..Slowly..I am gonna be a bystander..You don't realize I am there..You have your friends but not me..I am just a burden that would stop you from getting the things you want..

You can just go off like that without thinking of me being there alone..You can do that by just leaving me..You might not left a tear because you have made your decision by leaving..People like me are just being stupid, I knew the outcome but I never gave up..You might have gave up on me because you choose to do so..

My story begins..

Heart and Feeling

Its a cold morning and yet I did not see the reply from the message..

Time just passed that way..thought she would be happy but it doesn't seem that she is happy in front me but to her friends.

I had this feeling once before in the past..things are just being colder for me but I didn't spoke out..because I just want to keep it to myself..

I have been working very hard to earn more money..but she doesn't seem to see it through me..I know that I could not do much to please u..but I just tried...

Cold is a feeling of loneliness for me but it seems that I am used to it..I know what would be happen in future and I am starting to be well prepared for it..

I always take a deep breath and will think about it that was it my own problem that I did not do well enough or was it fate that I had encountered..

My heart for her is first but its an opposite for her heart to mine. Relationship are balance and I think I had just gave too much..I am stupid but I am real..

I will just keep this cold to myself..although it is getting colder and colder..but my heart is still pumping..

Thinking...

It's been some time that I felt myself is useless because I could not give much for her..I felt that whatever I do, the distance are going further a bit..I might been thinking too much..but based on the experience that I had encounter..It was happening again..

I tried not to think about the problems but it doesn't seem to go away from it..I wanted to give you everything to be perfect but things doesn't seem that way..I felt rejected..it was just yesterday night..

I thought going her place, she would be glad but she doesn't seem to be happy or maybe it's because she is tired and wanted to take rest. I thought that so, I waited for her to wake while I was by her side watching the tv...Soon..she woke up and she ignored me and then I knew her expressions is to ask me go back because it's late..

So, I just go back and soon she told me she was outside with her friends..drinking..she choose to be with her friends rather than me..I didn't say much but she doesn't seem to care much but just continue enjoying herself with her friends..

People will change and they will start forget about your priorities when friends to them are more valuable and fun..Felt hurt but could not do anything...I never told anyone of my stories because I felt people have their own stories..

My story is a never ending story..Life are never to be perfect..I wanted to talk her about my problems but I do not think she would want to hear because it will just give her a burden so I kept the unhappy moments to myself..I always tell people to be truthful but I wasn't truthful..We always find reasons to cover our mistake but we never tend to think how we could learn from our mistakes..

Loving someone may be easy but when you are trying to do something to let her know that you tried to accomplish something because she would be happy for it and she does not give any response would be the most hurtful moments..You tried so hard but she didn't really feel that it matters to her so much..

I can see the future and knew things are going so well but I tried to think positive and gives hopes and try to prevent the problems from happening..Love is two person in relationship world but my love life seem to be in two different world..When I close the lights in my room, I would think of her whether she is happy or not..but I don't she knows it..

I miss you...

Soon, you will forget me one day..I will just be a nobody to you..if it happens, I just hope I will get amnesia..at least I won't know what had happened between us..

Drunk

It was just yesterday when I finally got drunk. I did not drink as much as yesterday. I was frustrated and start to continue drink non stop. I puke two times when I went into the toilet. I knew that I wasn't feeling that well anymore.

People say liquor will help people to get to sleep easily, I was doing that to myself because I want to get to sleep as soon as possible.I did not want to think other stuff.

It was a night where things seem to be going back to the start where I am alone in the bar. I know that I am thinking too much but I have feelings too but my feels are too fragile. It is easy to get broken but not easy to heal.

I could still woke up early to work and continue with my own stuff. I tried very hard to focus on the job because I need the money badly but these two days. It did not happen and I could not get any sales.

2013 Changes

2013

2013 is a new year and some changes that I need to make. But there are some changes in life that is happening as well. Life is difficult and confusing but I just kept the unhappy moments to myself.

Things are not like it used to be. People will start to change but whether people are changing or is me is changing, we won't be sure. I am sure that I did not change my way to love someone deeply but I am trying to change the way I act. I tried very hard to improve myself but it doesn't seem to get your attention.

Experienced from previous relationship is a lesson but these lessons are scars that is left in the heart. Things are easy to predict and silence is expected to be happen, no one is perfect and it goes same back to me.I might not be the as good as anyone that she see or meet but I just trying my best. Relationship may seem to be a stress for people but its a relationship that helps us to express our feelings towards everything we see.

Loving someone is easy but starting to forget someone that loves u deeply is a silence pain to the person. Most important, LOVE is like a snow, when it snows, it looks beautiful but when it is too cold..it gives u feel loneliness when you are alone...

I lost faith on myself, but I did not up give up relationship, I may seem to be 3th in your mind but you are my 1st in my mind. If losing me will give you happiness..it seems to be fair because a balance that I get the hurt but exchanging a happiness..I know that it seems to be a time bomb, the clock starts to count..

Only writting blog will let me thinks of what I wants to say but never be the full sentence of it. It would be only partial of it. I know you would not able to read this because I know you wouldn't have the chance to see it because u will never open this blog.