Night Time

Night Time

April 14, 2011, I am still puzzled
with myself. I want to SMS you but I didn’t have the courage to SMS you. I can’t
sleep and I hoped to find you to chat with me but it seem I had done it yet
even though these few nights I couldn’t have a proper sleep. I had tried
listening songs and reading books so that I can get myself tired and have a
nice sleep but I just couldn’t get to sleep. Every time I want to close my eyes, I will take my phone and wanted to
text you but the moment I saw the conversations we had, I stopped and I feel
that I couldn’t text you. Why did I always stop myself and never gave myself a
courage just to type a few words and send it to you? I am confused with myself
and I hate the way I had been. Sometimes I had always been putting hope on it
but I at last never take the step forward.

I feel that writing a blog is a best
way to express my feelings as it is the only I can do right now. I missed the
old days I had but nothing will be returning anyway, I always hoped to have a
nice dream but I never saw that coming. Although I had awakened my sleep in the
morning, I will see black and an empty space in it. Do I actually had feelings
for her or was it just a dream that I always had been dreaming. I am considering
being lucky because I had a past and maybe somewhere out there, some people do
not have the chance at all. Listening to songs in the middle of the night is
very comfortable but it may be very lonely as well. Tomorrow is a day that is
one of my biggest achievements that I must complete and I only have 8 hours
time before I can really prepare everything well. Time seem to be running and I
always putting those problems into my mind. It might be very annoying but I never
tend to fix it.

Why these feelings always do come
and I never want to fix it? I hear one my friends and he told me that people
like programmers always like to talk to themselves and always putting the
problems they face into their own world. I think I am beginning to fall into
that world and I didn’t want to. I want find someone that I can really rely on
and talk to her about my problems and she could lend her ears to me but I couldn’t
find one. Even though there is, but I don’t think she would, because I never
tried? Or was it because I want to run away from it? Everyone has their own
problems and everyone must overcome their fears in order to face the reality. I
never hope to be perfect but I just wanted to make sure that I can get
everything alright. Mistakes always appear on me but I tried to fix but
sometimes I couldn’t get things right.

Love and slow songs are always my
favorite type of songs that I like to hear but each time I like a song, I would
always think it in a imaginary world that I would be but I never tried to think
back into reality because sometimes I do think that these kind of imagination
is a place that I can really relax and putting my head on rest. Sooner or
later, I find that I must not be adapting to this kind of actions because you
would always rely on it. I tried to think differently and having another action
that is go to sleep and closing my eyes and try not to think about the past and
it was because a past is always a past. I remember that I saw a note that
written about “EX” and the meaning of it was that “An EX is an example of a
mistake you done in the past and you knew how it feels, the pain, the sorrow,
the loneliness, the lied, the experience you had gained after a relationship
was not proper being take care of.” This was one of my thoughts that I had been
thinking, an EX is never to repeat the same mistakes but to improve in your
next relationships.

When you are in a room that is only
you are who will be sleeping in. Everything in the corner is a dead material
that had no response but only echo could be heard. You will feel that you are
alone and only a computer you will be facing with. Each time, I switch on my
computer and when it startup, comes the desktop and there is the internet
browser that I would click. The first thing that I will browse would be
FACEBOOK but everything I click my FACEBOOK, I would look at the notifications and
I hope to see her status but I tried not to click it. It work for some time but
in some time later, I would click it but I tried to stop myself from clicking
it and each time I told myself that it doesn’t matter to me anyway because I was
a nobody. I always placed my pink crystal ball in front of my computer so that I
could get to know more people and getting my relationship in the future to be
better but it seem not be working but only a further distance will be appearing
and disappointment.

Being alone in my lifetime was
something not different from my childhood but the things are that I can do
things on my own. I never hoped to live happily just like what my other friends
are having right now. I just wish to be simple and try to hang out with friends
and chatting together. Things are different, maybe it was the environment that I
was being raised in or maybe it was because it was my fate. When you think of
someone and you want to tell her about it, I seem to be coward and try not to
tell her because I have a fear on it. Every past means something to me. Every
time I was on my bed, I remembered my ex being there and she said something to
me, a word that till now I had never forget at all. A sentence that would hurt
and by that moment, I knew that I wasn’t in her world and I had been being a
fool all along.

Things are being that way, when you are
willing to give up everything for her, she may not be the one for you. Even
though it had been 2 years in the past but I had remember a lot about my past.
Even now, if I had fallen for someone and I had told her before but it seems
not work because it takes time but even though I had put effort on it, it doesn’t
work and I knew how the ending would be. My dream is always being a real in
reality and if I do not dream about her, it means that she doesn’t appear in my
reality. My dreams are true but sometimes I never hope to have that true dream
because it hurts. Good friends are hard to find and sometimes when one of your
EX becomes your best friend, it doesn’t meant that she will be there for you when
you sad, she had her own troubles to face.

Sometimes you would hope that your
best friend would be there for you when you need them but it doesn’t come. You
would want to find them but because you’re EX is your best friend so you didn’t
find her. You knew she had a boyfriend and didn’t want to interrupt them. You
will just take the problems with you and walk on while carrying a big load of
sack of sand on your back. I like to help people with their problems and I always
tried to cheer people up even though I had a bit of crush on her but I never
tend to tell her but only hope the better words for her. You are happy when she
says thanks to you and telling you that you are a great friend indeed. I like
to add on the text that think of me whenever you are not happy and hope that it
might cheer you up a bit because I can try to be there to cheer u up whenever I
am needed.

The truth is that I had tried my
best to be there but I will always noted that if you are happy then you can
just forget about the things that I had told you because I wish to give
happiness but not sadness to you. I like to put sweets on your heart but I could
not put salt into your heart because I do not want to see your tears coming out
from your eyes. Even though there is no gain for me but I feel happy because at
least I had something to make people happy. Even though it doesn’t give me any
happiness but share the luck and happiness to other people is the best that I can
do. Do I miss my EX? To be honest, I do miss them. Things are different, no
matter how much you had missed the ones that you had really love for but there
is no going back in time even though there is a time machine because what
happens in the future will always be the truth. I do wish to be back my 1^st
love that I had but me and her are in a different world that we can only be
best friends but never a couple in reality anymore. I knew a lot about her but
she knew less about me because I always hide my feelings. I still remember what
her favorite fruit was and I remember her like to eat mango, and I knew that
she like the pudding that I once had prepare for her. Her favorite color is
black because she likes to wear black all the time and she likes to wear normal
tee and short pants. Anyway, it was just a past.

I remember another EX that she used
to love dolphins and I always try to get a dolphin doll or keychain for her.  She likes to eat spicy food and that is where I
was so afraid of because I do not have the appetite for spicy food but I slowly
try to adapt into her spicy world and soon I fall in love with the spicy world.
It takes me time to adapt with it but because I hope that I can share the same
taste with her but I try to change and overcome one of my fears for her. She
likes to buy clothes and she likes to put make up, because she feels that she
is not pretty enough but for me, she is already perfect because she is being
herself. Being with her lasted two years but time passed really fast and during
the two years’ time, she had changed a lot  and she was different from the moment I knew
her. I knew she wanted to leave and I let her go and I never hold back because
she doesn’t love me anymore. The feeling is gone and if I would continue, there
will be happiness between each other.

I still remembered an EX that she
treats me well and always tend to listen to me, I had like to see her long hair
because it fits her perfectly but then during this relationship, it turns into
a disaster because this relationship should not have been started at the
beginning and I remember she likes to drink warm water only and there is no
cold water in her dictionary. She likes to snooze at night when she is
sleeping. Being with her lasted a year and a lot things changes because she doesn’t
trust me and I doesn’t trust her anymore. I had the feeling for her but I doesn’t
trust her anymore because she had given me a lie that I cannot forget. Anyway, I
knew her that she has turn alright then I glad enough to know that someone had
really taken care of her.

Everything might be a past but they
had given me some good and bad memories, an experience that it will only happen
once in my lifetime. Memories are just temporary but it will always remain in
my head but when one day, I had a lost memory and everything is gone then it
might be a good and a bad thing because at least these memories are no longer
to exist on my memories. The time now is 4.15 AM and I still continue writing this
blog. I think I am tired and maybe because I had written for some time then I feel
tired and I can rest. I hope my dreams will be something that I would want and a
good luck for myself in my coming presentation. J

Expectation from Dreams

Expectation from Dreams
For some time, I had always been dreaming…from my experience, a dream that came across
in my life is a fear for me, I had always been afraid to go sleep whenever I had
the chance, because if in my dreams, I had a nightmare or an unpleasant dream,
maybe regarding about breaking up in the relationships, it will eventually
happen and how the process that happened in the dream. I had experience this
not only once but in my serious relationships, I will always foresee that she
doesn’t need me anymore and walk away from me. Even though the time I had was
with her that does not have any relationships problems at all, or maybe it does
had but I didn’t realize it. Dreams may be perfect for some other people
because they will dream all the nice dream they would want in their life but
did not happen in the reality, but my dream was my reality, a reality that will
be happening in the future, a foretell and even my senses would tell me the future
of happening. I experienced a lot from my senses where my eyes blink suddenly
and I knew something is going to happen. I had always been afraid whenever my
eyes blink because each side symbolizes a meaning, my left eye that represents
fortunes where else my right eyes represent dangers and unfortunate in my
future. I had always hoped that it would never blink and when it blinks, I will
look around all my sides and be really carefully with my surroundings. Even
though how much preparation I had done, it will be sooner the thing will happen
and it never skips off.


I wish that my dreams are ending with a happy ending but it did not happen that way. Last
time, I would always dream that my ex will walk away from me and I would try to
avoid that incident to happen but it never help, but hopes are never there, she
was gone, away from me and she doesn’t need me to be there because there is
someone more suitable than I was. I never blame her for leaving, but I blame
myself that I need do better for hold her tight into my arms but I fear the
pain I would give her if I would hold tightly. Love may be complicated but
dreams will not be complicated because you can see the truth and after the
truth is shown, you would wake up from your dream, sometimes you might remember
how it happen but sometimes you might not. If you like someone, would you
really tell her/him? For me, I think so but I will try to get the hint from
her/him. As I would know the answer and what she/he was thinking, then I will
get point and answer. What if I get the right answer that I wanted to hear,
will I tell her that I had a crush for her/him?? I do not know how to answer
that question, maybe I will let her/him know, but maybe I will not. If you love
someone very deeply, it doesn’t meant that you need to be forever with her/him…I
am afraid of being alone but the road I taken is alone to face it. Even though
how hard it goes, I just need to go on with it, everything I am alone in the
room, only me and the bed, I would always like to hear a song, “怕安静” because I really
scare of it, the lyrics had everything I want to hear, I had gone into the
cinema but every time I look on the side of me, I would wish someone was with
me, someone that I like and someone that always be there for me, but she wasn’t
there, I am all alone waiting but no one came.


Whenever I saw couples around the corner hugging together in the cinema, I would realize that I
really missed that moment but everything was gone, only dreams will appear but
not for me, because I had never got dream that I wanted to stay in. Whenever I picked
up my phone, I would always wish that the SMS was you, but before I switch it
back on the screen, I will always tell myself, it’s from Digi or maybe advertising
SMS, and every time I guess about the SMS, it came true, it wasn’t her at all,
and I knew it but I always hoped that it was her. If someday, you like someone
that comes for your help, but it has already been a past, would you help? My
answer will be a “Yes” because I like to help people when there are in trouble
but I would take that chance to tell her that I like her that I had once liked
her, sometimes people would think that it might be a good chance that maybe she
will like you as well but because I knew the answer within her eyes, I knew
that she only need help but doesn’t really need me after that. Last time, I used
to like my ex, and even though it had been 3 years after the breakup, I still
had the feelings for her, but I never really told her about it but in the end, I
had told her and before I told her, I already knew the answer that she would
give me. It might be complicated because why you knew answer but you wanted to
tell her about it? My answer was, “I didn’t know why?” Why did you gave up so
quickly and never really show the reality of you being that you are for real? I
knew the answers so clearly, because of this clearly answers, I tend to give up
on myself but secretly to treat her nice and help her whenever she needed me,
because that is the only thing I can do and at least she would not hide from me
whenever she really needed help. During the trip, I was alone in the hotel
room, I would always hoped that she was around there being with me, by my side,
but ended up, I was all along alone in the dreams. When I woke up, I will only
hear my phone ringing for the alarm but my phone SMS are always empty. The time
I having now is always a hard time for me because I tend to work long hours and
try to distract myself from the alone, but whenever I am back home, facing my
computer and bed with the music being play on my computer, I would started to
lay on my bed and taking out my phone and waiting for the SMS but no SMS came
in, but only tears and disappointment came into the scene. I hate the tears
that came from my eyes but I could not stop it from flowing out. You always
like to help your friends out with their trouble and problems, but did you help
yourself?? I did not help myself but I put myself more stress and when you
someone you will feel happy because someone you help had gained happiness and
that is the thing that you feel glad about it. Did you try before falling in
love with someone that you used to help and always encourage her to do better
but you never let her down and whenever she needs help, you can see it from her
status, and you will try to be there for her?


She would never know about how you felt for her but only you would know how you felt for
her.  Before even you tried to tell her
that you had a little crush on her, you already knew what was the answer she
would give if you asked whether, what do you think about me? And I like you…
the answer you would get, “Sorry”, and this was the answers that you knew that
you would get. Sometimes I knew the answer so directly, but I always fall for
the same old trap, its better that you never told her about you like her because
sometimes it might involve not talking so much among each other. Anyway, I know
that it is understandable because people never asked me to treat them nice but
it was own willing to do so. Treat people nice and caring that you like doesn’t
meant you need to be with them, because people had someone they like and they
doesn’t need you. There are so many people around them; there are many people
better and nicer than you. You are just a bystander and just passing around
them. You are not special at all. You are just an ordinary guy from the world.
You can feel how people felt and what their answers in their mind are, but you
never ever change their answers. If you ever fall into love with her, but you
knew the answers, will you still continue treat her as before, I think I will
because I am just being who I am. I just wanted her to know that she is not
alone, I am there but whenever you need me, then I will appear but when you do
not need me, I will disappear from the spot. I had watched a movie before, and
there is a saying, the girl asked the guy, I hear that once there is a
beautiful flower in the very high hill, and then it is very dangerous and
people who goes there and plucked the flower will die. Will you plucked the
flower and give it to me? Then the guy answer that he would not and the girl
was angry and ignored the guy, then the guy told the girl as the answer was the
same as I had thought I would say to someone if really it happens. “I will go
and pluck the flower because I need my eyes to look at you whenever you are
forget to wipe your dirt on your mouth, whenever you are sad then my mouth can
be there for you to cheer you up and when you are happy then I can talk along
with you, my arms are for you because whenever you need a hug, then my arms are
the perfect spot for you lay on. When you sick, and I could use my both legs to
run and buy porridge for you to eat or I can go and cook for you or may be even
carry you around on my shoulders and uses my legs to run so that you could feel
safe being with me. But when you love someone else and you don’t need me
anymore, I will climb up the mountain and pluck the flower for you. Words may
be sweet but you will never know that was I for real or not? There is only one
thing I can say, “Trust” is all you need believe on me, and when you doesn’t
need me , I will be disappear like you will never know.


Blog is a place where you can express your feelings for someone but do you really hope
that someone really reads what you wrote? Sometimes you would wish she can read
it but in the end, you will know that she never read about it. Love someone
doesn’t mean you need to tell her but only hopes the best for her. If she feel
that now she is happy with her life and everything around her, I will not change
it even though it will does nothing good to me, I don’t want someone changes
because of me, I want them be who they are and be happy. If I am only the
unhappy, then it is worth it, because of me, I had helped a lot of people being
happy and at least I wanted to respect someone. I didn’t mean anything but I just
hoped that you will never know and never ever understand about me. I had a lot of
past and because of my past, I had fear on it, and therefore, you deserve
someone better than me and I am not an option or choice. I am only a bystander
that gives you wishes and good luck. I never think myself having any chances at
all. ^_^

Ps:

It might be sweet but it is a bit sour for me. (让你觉得很甜但是很痛。。)