Expectation from Dreams

Expectation from Dreams
For some time, I had always been dreaming…from my experience, a dream that came across
in my life is a fear for me, I had always been afraid to go sleep whenever I had
the chance, because if in my dreams, I had a nightmare or an unpleasant dream,
maybe regarding about breaking up in the relationships, it will eventually
happen and how the process that happened in the dream. I had experience this
not only once but in my serious relationships, I will always foresee that she
doesn’t need me anymore and walk away from me. Even though the time I had was
with her that does not have any relationships problems at all, or maybe it does
had but I didn’t realize it. Dreams may be perfect for some other people
because they will dream all the nice dream they would want in their life but
did not happen in the reality, but my dream was my reality, a reality that will
be happening in the future, a foretell and even my senses would tell me the future
of happening. I experienced a lot from my senses where my eyes blink suddenly
and I knew something is going to happen. I had always been afraid whenever my
eyes blink because each side symbolizes a meaning, my left eye that represents
fortunes where else my right eyes represent dangers and unfortunate in my
future. I had always hoped that it would never blink and when it blinks, I will
look around all my sides and be really carefully with my surroundings. Even
though how much preparation I had done, it will be sooner the thing will happen
and it never skips off.


I wish that my dreams are ending with a happy ending but it did not happen that way. Last
time, I would always dream that my ex will walk away from me and I would try to
avoid that incident to happen but it never help, but hopes are never there, she
was gone, away from me and she doesn’t need me to be there because there is
someone more suitable than I was. I never blame her for leaving, but I blame
myself that I need do better for hold her tight into my arms but I fear the
pain I would give her if I would hold tightly. Love may be complicated but
dreams will not be complicated because you can see the truth and after the
truth is shown, you would wake up from your dream, sometimes you might remember
how it happen but sometimes you might not. If you like someone, would you
really tell her/him? For me, I think so but I will try to get the hint from
her/him. As I would know the answer and what she/he was thinking, then I will
get point and answer. What if I get the right answer that I wanted to hear,
will I tell her that I had a crush for her/him?? I do not know how to answer
that question, maybe I will let her/him know, but maybe I will not. If you love
someone very deeply, it doesn’t meant that you need to be forever with her/him…I
am afraid of being alone but the road I taken is alone to face it. Even though
how hard it goes, I just need to go on with it, everything I am alone in the
room, only me and the bed, I would always like to hear a song, “怕安静” because I really
scare of it, the lyrics had everything I want to hear, I had gone into the
cinema but every time I look on the side of me, I would wish someone was with
me, someone that I like and someone that always be there for me, but she wasn’t
there, I am all alone waiting but no one came.


Whenever I saw couples around the corner hugging together in the cinema, I would realize that I
really missed that moment but everything was gone, only dreams will appear but
not for me, because I had never got dream that I wanted to stay in. Whenever I picked
up my phone, I would always wish that the SMS was you, but before I switch it
back on the screen, I will always tell myself, it’s from Digi or maybe advertising
SMS, and every time I guess about the SMS, it came true, it wasn’t her at all,
and I knew it but I always hoped that it was her. If someday, you like someone
that comes for your help, but it has already been a past, would you help? My
answer will be a “Yes” because I like to help people when there are in trouble
but I would take that chance to tell her that I like her that I had once liked
her, sometimes people would think that it might be a good chance that maybe she
will like you as well but because I knew the answer within her eyes, I knew
that she only need help but doesn’t really need me after that. Last time, I used
to like my ex, and even though it had been 3 years after the breakup, I still
had the feelings for her, but I never really told her about it but in the end, I
had told her and before I told her, I already knew the answer that she would
give me. It might be complicated because why you knew answer but you wanted to
tell her about it? My answer was, “I didn’t know why?” Why did you gave up so
quickly and never really show the reality of you being that you are for real? I
knew the answers so clearly, because of this clearly answers, I tend to give up
on myself but secretly to treat her nice and help her whenever she needed me,
because that is the only thing I can do and at least she would not hide from me
whenever she really needed help. During the trip, I was alone in the hotel
room, I would always hoped that she was around there being with me, by my side,
but ended up, I was all along alone in the dreams. When I woke up, I will only
hear my phone ringing for the alarm but my phone SMS are always empty. The time
I having now is always a hard time for me because I tend to work long hours and
try to distract myself from the alone, but whenever I am back home, facing my
computer and bed with the music being play on my computer, I would started to
lay on my bed and taking out my phone and waiting for the SMS but no SMS came
in, but only tears and disappointment came into the scene. I hate the tears
that came from my eyes but I could not stop it from flowing out. You always
like to help your friends out with their trouble and problems, but did you help
yourself?? I did not help myself but I put myself more stress and when you
someone you will feel happy because someone you help had gained happiness and
that is the thing that you feel glad about it. Did you try before falling in
love with someone that you used to help and always encourage her to do better
but you never let her down and whenever she needs help, you can see it from her
status, and you will try to be there for her?


She would never know about how you felt for her but only you would know how you felt for
her.  Before even you tried to tell her
that you had a little crush on her, you already knew what was the answer she
would give if you asked whether, what do you think about me? And I like you…
the answer you would get, “Sorry”, and this was the answers that you knew that
you would get. Sometimes I knew the answer so directly, but I always fall for
the same old trap, its better that you never told her about you like her because
sometimes it might involve not talking so much among each other. Anyway, I know
that it is understandable because people never asked me to treat them nice but
it was own willing to do so. Treat people nice and caring that you like doesn’t
meant you need to be with them, because people had someone they like and they
doesn’t need you. There are so many people around them; there are many people
better and nicer than you. You are just a bystander and just passing around
them. You are not special at all. You are just an ordinary guy from the world.
You can feel how people felt and what their answers in their mind are, but you
never ever change their answers. If you ever fall into love with her, but you
knew the answers, will you still continue treat her as before, I think I will
because I am just being who I am. I just wanted her to know that she is not
alone, I am there but whenever you need me, then I will appear but when you do
not need me, I will disappear from the spot. I had watched a movie before, and
there is a saying, the girl asked the guy, I hear that once there is a
beautiful flower in the very high hill, and then it is very dangerous and
people who goes there and plucked the flower will die. Will you plucked the
flower and give it to me? Then the guy answer that he would not and the girl
was angry and ignored the guy, then the guy told the girl as the answer was the
same as I had thought I would say to someone if really it happens. “I will go
and pluck the flower because I need my eyes to look at you whenever you are
forget to wipe your dirt on your mouth, whenever you are sad then my mouth can
be there for you to cheer you up and when you are happy then I can talk along
with you, my arms are for you because whenever you need a hug, then my arms are
the perfect spot for you lay on. When you sick, and I could use my both legs to
run and buy porridge for you to eat or I can go and cook for you or may be even
carry you around on my shoulders and uses my legs to run so that you could feel
safe being with me. But when you love someone else and you don’t need me
anymore, I will climb up the mountain and pluck the flower for you. Words may
be sweet but you will never know that was I for real or not? There is only one
thing I can say, “Trust” is all you need believe on me, and when you doesn’t
need me , I will be disappear like you will never know.


Blog is a place where you can express your feelings for someone but do you really hope
that someone really reads what you wrote? Sometimes you would wish she can read
it but in the end, you will know that she never read about it. Love someone
doesn’t mean you need to tell her but only hopes the best for her. If she feel
that now she is happy with her life and everything around her, I will not change
it even though it will does nothing good to me, I don’t want someone changes
because of me, I want them be who they are and be happy. If I am only the
unhappy, then it is worth it, because of me, I had helped a lot of people being
happy and at least I wanted to respect someone. I didn’t mean anything but I just
hoped that you will never know and never ever understand about me. I had a lot of
past and because of my past, I had fear on it, and therefore, you deserve
someone better than me and I am not an option or choice. I am only a bystander
that gives you wishes and good luck. I never think myself having any chances at
all. ^_^

Ps:

It might be sweet but it is a bit sour for me. (让你觉得很甜但是很痛。。)